David's Journeys in the Woods

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Foundation Light -- Day 1

10 step jacks, 6 side jacks, 10 side raises, 6 march steps x3 sets

The short version: My balance on my right side is too suspect to do a march twist right now, so I had to modify to march steps. There's going to be a lot of this from me and probably more than a few trips to the help desk once I get comfortable here.

The longer version is going to require some reading:

It "only" took me a few days to get going here after my intro post in the chat room...I guess I'm either that scared, resigned to a DIY approach, or more likely both.

Six months removed from an injury caused by overextending myself in a Pilates class, something needed to happen for mental health reasons. Becoming a bee wasn't easy; since I don't have gym access -- I don't drive because among other things cars are treated as weapons in Massachusetts -- and would have preferred to work 1-to-1 with a CPT -- I thought my out would have been to use one of the apps available that can match you with a trainer.

Nope, nope, and nope. At Caliber (I'm naming names here to let it off my chest so this doesn't come up again), I was asked to pony up US$600 without first being able to consult with one of their trainers. Caliber's website has zero trainer profiles, and it's principle that I get to vet a potential instructor before having to go through the sales pitch. At Kickoff, I indicated I want to make major changes to my nutrition -- which is also true -- but the platform's matching system presented matches with no nutrition credentials.

After about 100 times in frustration, I told both platforms to (expletive) off, effectively gave up on them, and came here instead. I forget who it was that pointed the way to the Foundation programs, but as someone starting over after injury it's almost certainly the safest way to start.

I just hope my demons don't get the better of me going forward.

 

[Fremen]

Welcome

 

[TopNotch]

Everybody fights demons. Here, we encourage you to face the battle, and if you fall, we'll help you up again. Glad you made it back! There's so much here that you don't need gym access for. Some exercises are done with equipment, some can be done with equipment if you like, most is done with no more equipment than Nature gave you. Modify what you need, adapt what you want, ask when required, vent when necessary. Just ... breathe deeply and have fun!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@TopNotch I appreciate it!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Foundation Light Day 2

5 wall half squats, 5-count wall squat hold, 20 arm raises, 20 arm circles, 20-count arm hold x3 sets

As it turns out, half squats feels about as comfortable I can go. I am okay with this; at least I could do them, albeit slowly.

It's a good thing I did this before leaving for work today. I work retail part-time at a supermarket (the official title is courtesy clerk but in layman's terms I'm a cashier and sometimes bag for customers), and apparently we're having staffing problems at present. This wasn't a major concern for me because given a choice I would rather have a steady stream of customers, but darn if six hours on the line didn't knock the tar out of me. There wasn't much left in my system but to return to my apartment after that.

I shouldn't have been surprised, really: It's not really a secret that my nutrition is...bad. It needs a lot of work. This is why I was really frustrated with the Caliber and Kickoff people in particular, because as implied yesterday feeling like I'm being forced to go in blind without a consult, to me, doesn't feel fair. So when the founder of Caliber -- or so he claims -- tried to send me a marketing email after I got off from work that offered $100 off a three-month commitment, I told him in no uncertain terms (and not exactly kindly) where he could take that offer.

Clearly, that's something that needs to go the help desk at some point, but I'm not even sure how to word an initial question right now. It just feels so...overwhelming. Full disclosure: It wasn't that long ago that the only thing missing from borderline anorexic behavior was an official diagnosis. The only thing that really broke that was being laid over at my parents' house after the initial injury for the better part of three months which took away the spots I'd normally pick to restrict, but I am sensing that since I am still lacking the level of guidance I need on the topic -- call me clueless -- the restriction behavior hasn't gone away for good. If I had any clue what I was doing, it would be easier to nip that in the bud. Right now it's kinda like .

 

[Sif_Shepard]

I'm someone who struggled most of my life with restrictive eating/eating disorders and also without an official diagnosis. I'm now nearly 2 years through recovery. I learned how to do it from online/youtube resources, there is a lot that can be learned on how to heal from restrictive diets. Giving yourself full permission to eat and rest as much as possible and whenever you need it is the core focus of it. Let me know if you'd like me to share the resources I used, or if you ever want to talk.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@Sif_Shepard I am open to that.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

Okay so it's kind of crazy but one day a few years ago youtube randomly recommended me this video by Stephanie Buttermore, and that's what lead me down the rabbit hole. She goes on to document her full recovery journey so anything after the one I shared is worth watching (her 1 year video is especially good). She does it from a very documented and scientific approach, but for the sake of your mental health it's generally recommended to stop weighing in and tracking calories unless undereating is still a problem for you, then tracking a minimum can be helpful until you get used to it.

She cited Kayla Rose in the video, who is a recovery coach and also has put a lot of videos on youtube, and I survived on those through the recovery process. There were a handful of her videos I watched to help me get started (this, this, and this were big ones for me), and then I would go back to her channel often through my recovery and just watch her videos while eating some food if I was having a challenging day and that helped tremendously. She covers a lot of info on different side effects you might experience during the process. What she went through, she had a lot more side effects than I did. The hardest for me was being constantly bloated and painfully swollen for a couple months while my digestion healed and got better. Part of that I discovered later was my habit of overhydrating that I had used to keep me feeling full during my disorder, and when I stopped chugging water all day and unlearned that habit my bloating improved dramatically. I also had some minor edema in my ankles after about the year mark. I was fatigued a lot. My skin had minor but persistent breakouts all through last summer. But it all gets better over time, and it takes awhile to go through, but it's so worth it. I didn't have quite the extreme hunger these people had either, but I was hungry a lot from the decades of restriction, and the process has worked well for me. It took me awhile to get the hang of it. I started trying to eat more in early 2020, but it wasn't until that November (which I consider my true start date) when things finally clicked for me.

I've also talked about my experiences with recovery a bit through my old darebee log if you're interested in reading that. It's only since this May (1.5 years in) so it's not too long.

I know it's a lot. If you have any questions, I'll try to help as best as I can.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

September 28, 2022

Foundation Light -- Day 3

10 march steps and 2 step-up/step backs, 4 times over, 3 sets

Done with a chair assist. It will be some time before I have full sense of balance on my right leg again.

Today was a day (translated, it felt upside down). I admit I felt ragged from being busy at my part-time job the last couple of days and had a nightmare last night (I work with a life coach on other things not fitness related because fitness is not her specialty), and she lives in Florida where Hurricane Ian is currently causing all manner of chaos. She tells me is okay as of right now, but it was hard not to think of her last night.

The picture I selected for my avatar (for now) is of the Pokemon character Psyduck. He suffers from persistent headaches and usually looks confused. I only occasionally relate to the headaches but the confusion has been very real. I'm just glad I found something to get back on my emotional feet. The handle is plenty appropriate for now as I'm certainly not going to be back in shape (this assumes I ever was, which I doubt) overnight.

3 day streak now. I realize that for the more established and accomplished bees that looks "cheap" because I'm only doing Foundation Light on Level 1 and the amount of walking I can do sans a cane is still limited (although it is generally slowly improving). But it beats nothing at all, and I will need to crawl before I can walk, and walk before I can run.

Okay, maybe running wouldn't be a good idea for me. But you get the idea. And I guess I'd have other options too?

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Okay so it's kind of crazy but one day a few years ago youtube randomly recommended me this video by Stephanie Buttermore, and that's what lead me down the rabbit hole. She goes on to document her full recovery journey so anything after the one I shared is worth watching (her 1 year video is especially good). She does it from a very documented and scientific approach, but for the sake of your mental health it's generally recommended to stop weighing in and tracking calories unless undereating is still a problem for you, then tracking a minimum can be helpful until you get used to it.

She cited Kayla Rose in the video, who is a recovery coach and also has put a lot of videos on youtube, and I survived on those through the recovery process. There were a handful of her videos I watched to help me get started (this, this, and this were big ones for me), and then I would go back to her channel often through my recovery and just watch her videos while eating some food if I was having a challenging day and that helped tremendously. She covers a lot of info on different side effects you might experience during the process. What she went through, she had a lot more side effects than I did. The hardest for me was being constantly bloated and painfully swollen for a couple months while my digestion healed and got better. Part of that I discovered later was my habit of overhydrating that I had used to keep me feeling full during my disorder, and when I stopped chugging water all day and unlearned that habit my bloating improved dramatically. I also had some minor edema in my ankles after about the year mark. I was fatigued a lot. My skin had minor but persistent breakouts all through last summer. But it all gets better over time, and it takes awhile to go through, but it's so worth it. I didn't have quite the extreme hunger these people had either, but I was hungry a lot from the decades of restriction, and the process has worked well for me. It took me awhile to get the hang of it. I started trying to eat more in early 2020, but it wasn't until that November (which I consider my true start date) when things finally clicked for me.

I've also talked about my experiences with recovery a bit through my old darebee log if you're interested in reading that. It's only since this May (1.5 years in) so it's not too long.

I know it's a lot. If you have any questions, I'll try to help as best as I can.

Thank you @Sif_Shepard I will look into those videos. Will follow your progress!

 

[Sif_Shepard]

No problem, hope it helps!

 

[CODawn]

No streak is "cheap". You do your best and that is everything!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

September 29, 2022

There can and will be hiccups. I made an attempt at Foundation Light Day 4, but today was not my day on that front. I could carefully do small leg swings, but when I moved on to alternate arm and leg raises, my bad side (my right) simply said no. Will make another try at it tomorrow.

This is...actually okay. (Thank you @Sif_Shepard for sharing what's helped you.) This won't fall together overnight and it is safer right now to work with what I have instead of trying to "chase" more than my body can handle. The start point is where it needs to be -- slowly -- and it's not going to fall together overnight. In the back of my mind I wasn't sure if going through Foundation Light would be a case of a 30-day streak because motions are involved that I haven't attempted in months. There's also the reality that I will need to clean up my nutrition which also won't happen overnight.

This will be a process. I think I am finally starting to accept that. Of course, finally having resources to work with helps too.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

You're totally welcome, I'm so glad it's helping you. You've got this!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

September 30, 2022 and October 1, 2022

It hasn't been the best couple of days for actual execution. This isn't a large surprise since there are holes in the plan of attack that for now I have to give up on filling because the process has been too frustrating and consequently bad for my headspace (having a registered dietician would be a big help for starters).

There are still a couple of positives to take away, though:

* I work retail -- the official title is courtesy clerk but in layman's terms I'm a cashier -- and while some of my availability has been compromised while I get walking strength back (getting closer there, see below), they're getting their money's worth and then some on the shifts that I can do. Friday was especially busy, but I basically rocked my line. I acknowledged that it was a wait for some customers because we were short baggers (I sometimes have to bag as well as cashier, which is retail for you), but I don't think anybody walked away from my line disappointed. The level of focus needed did feel exhausting and by the time I got back to my apartment there was little left for anything else, but at least I slept reasonably well which has not been a given in my complex (these days I am content just to come reasonably close to a full night's sleep).

* This morning I walked to my parents' house across town to assist with some weekend things. Both are in their seventies and one is basically a beached whale, so I sometimes have to chip in where I can. The trip took about half an hour and was encouraging, but I did notice that my recovering leg (my right) was starting to tire over the last couple of blocks. I'm still willing to take this because even though I need a cane (or walking stick if you prefer) to handle the mile (approx. 1.6 km) or so distance currently, I can still traverse it which was encouraging. There's no point in trying to timetable when I'll be back to full walking strength without a cane (again, headspace reasons), but I'm hoping it's before the winter strikes in the best case scenario. I live in New England where winters are notoriously difficult.

I admit there is some going on because the process as a whole feels hard...but at least there is a place to go. That counts for something right now. I can't see the forest through the trees yet, but eventually I will.

 

[CODawn]

️️Yay for the positives!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 2, 2022

...huh? Oh, hi there.

Foundation Light Day 4

10 raised leg swings, 6 alternate arm/leg raises, 10 upward leg extensions, 6 side leg extensions x3 sets

I also did some driveway sweeping once the wind died down before heading back to my apartment.

There is a reason I don't film myself working out...this morning just might go down as the sloppiest Darebee workout of all time (yes, I self-deprecate, and there is a lot where that came from). Seriously, though, the balance on my right leg is going to take some work and this wasn't it; when I had to raise my good side (my left) it was a real struggle. The arm/leg raises and side leg extensions on that side more resembled dragging than actual lifts, which admittedly felt frustrating.

The more real concern: One of the draws for me was the combat-style workouts, but it's pretty clear I won't be throwing kicks anytime soon which cuts my options down. I won't lie: I'm going to need them at some point as I try to work through the current program because there is still some leftover angst aimed...at...other platforms that still hasn't completely been released (can Darebee really be called a platform anyway? Idk.)

This does get me over that hump, ugly though it was, and peeking at Day 5 it looks modifiable with a chair assist (doing march steps instead of march twists) which won't feel quite as bad. I also have work shifts four days out of the next five which will indirectly help by forcing me to think about something else before I work with my life coach on Friday night over Zoom (she lives in Florida and I live in MA, so we work together over video call usually).

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 3, 2022 and October 4, 2022

Foundation Light Day 5 (done on Oct. 3)

4 step jacks, 10 side jacks, 4 step jacks, 10 march steps, 4 step jacks, 10 side leg raises; 3 sets

The previous two days have felt very hard emotionally. I definitely relapsed with my restrictive eating; both days featured no lunch in spite of means to make such. It's safe to say that I am not over the frustration I felt and still feel over not having the level of professional guidance that I knew in my heart I would have preferred.

Day 5 of my current program somehow came off before things went downhill soon thereafter, but I didn't dare do the march twists. A chair assist was used to do the march steps and side leg raises safely. By chair assist, I mean holding on to one.

The work situation hasn't been helping. I put in near flawless performances both days on the express checkout line, but we are clearly shorthanded and in particular on cashiers. The manager who is my direct supervisor most days had to cashier as well, and she was clearly run ragged because I think she had what must have felt like 50 things to do at once which would make anybody . I tried to help by clocking in early at her request yesterday but still felt I wasn't doing enough despite the extra 40 minutes I added to my shift; at one point I had to be switched to a regular checkout line, with a colleague from the floral department doing the bagging, because the lines on the two regular lines that were open had gone back halfway to the back of the store, and a lot of them were not small orders.

I apparently handled it like a champion on the outside -- one customer said I was the most upbeat cashier he's ever had -- but it came at emotional cost because all I wanted to do when I got off for the night was .

Slept poorly, ate worse would have been enough to say all on its own, but elaborating feels better and safer.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

Healing vibes for good mental health and rest

Relapses happen and that's okay, they don't take you back to square one. Just keep doing your best and one day it'll click for you. If you're able, you could try looking for a recovery coach or a therapist to give you the professional help you seek, there are some that are trained to work with ed patients. Whether you find help or make it on your own, you can do it if you stay patient with yourself.

My piece of practical advice is to keep easy snacks you enjoy on hand so even if you don't feel like doing an ounce of prep work or cooking you can still grab something to eat. Triscuits, ice cream, ramen cups, and mac and cheese were my go-tos for a long time. Anything you enjoy that's really easy and gives you comfort so you'll keep reaching for it when you don't really feel like eating. I hope that helps!

 

[CODawn]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you @Sif_Shepard and @CODawn back to you.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 5, 2022

Foundation Light Day 6

12 flutter kicks x3 sets

I'm not sure I understand the concept of flutter kicks, but since the picture suggested I could them seated instead of lying down, that's what I went for. Used my bed instead of a sofa, leaned back a little, did my best with them. Surprisingly my legs reacted well to the seated modification shown in the program, so I'll take this flag, thank you very much.

Otherwise I did not go for much today. The previous night was a drag under the covers -- I think I got maybe 5 hours and from experience anything under 8 is trouble -- and I sent my life coach a text that we would need to do some boundary work on Friday night when I have a Zoom appointment with her. She appears to be okay after Hurricane Ian -- she lives in Tampa Bay which fortunately didn't get a direct hit as originally feared -- and I let her know that if Zoom isn't possible we could do a phone call instead. I have the minutes available on my plan to do that a bunch of times over.

If tomorrow somehow falls together I may do a little shopping at work after work. I'm allowed to do that as long as I am not on the clock (for the record, I was so uneasy on the policy at the first that I had to ask one of the customer service reps to explain it to me to save any doubt). There is already some fruit that I know I will eat plus some Star-Kist tuna pouches that I could use for sandwiches, but the rest could be tricky. As Sif noted I may have to stay with simple for a while until I get some confidence back; I'm almost certain that I tried to be too perfect with igniting something that feels like recovery multiple times now over the last six months the more that I think about it...a demon strike that I didn't want or need.

One good that is coming from this: Calorie counting isn't happening. This is a good thing for me because I have had anxiety and behavior bordering on OCD every single time I have tried to do that in the past, so trying to reintroduce that is only going to make things worse. Playing this by ear is not much better but at least it's the lesser of two evils for now.

 

[Calico]

I agree that relapsing sucks. But as @Sif_Shepard said, it does not negate your efforts and wins at all. It's... a pretty normal part of recovery, for me. Can't be perfect on the first try, or the second, or the third, and for me I think i can't be perfect at all. But I can do my best at it every day, and if some days I fail, well tomorrow's a new day. I tell myself that feeling guilty about it is only going to hinder my recovery.

I hope you will find an equilibrium in all this. It's certainly not easy.

 

[TopNotch]

Flutter kicks work the abs. They're quite fun and not too stressful to do and, as you saw, can be done on a sofa or a bed. Don't get too stressed out about whether or not you did all the exercises of a day or whether they were perfect. The aim is to do the best you can do right now. That's where your exercise streak comes from - exercising, even if it's just a walk. That's still exercise. Modifications are perfectly acceptable!
As for kicks, you can do them on the floor, you know. Lying down, on hands and knees - it just takes a bit of tweaking, that's all.

 

[CODawn]

Great post @TopNotch.
When I was injured, sometimes exercise was stetching for 15-20 minutes. It was the best I could do at the time.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 6, 2022

Foundation Light Day 7

6 wall half-squats, 6 step back/step-ups, 4 calf raises, 10 chest expansions, 10 standing shoulder taps, 10 bicep extensions x3 sets

Felt lousy enough to intentionally stay away from the community rooms in my complex today. It's not exaggerating to say that I snuck this in before my brain was fully functioning so that it didn't know what was hitting it. Some days are like that.

Today I was left cussing my register out (the language used is unrepeatable) after the PIN pad used to process debit/credit card transactions went haywire for no apparent reason. I was already putting on a facade because I had to force-feed myself a donut from the break room for "lunch", so having unexplained problems when I was trying to work the express lane handed me one of the infamous Sinister Man moments that I have become known for out in the field. I can be a very sarcastic person given the chance.

Tomorrow I get to work with my life coach, and she's going to need to do some probing. The other night, I pulled a nasty. We were talking about removal of the air conditioner units next week (per apartment complex protocol) and when we were doing it. Something was mentioned that I didn't appreciate -- I can't remember what it was because I was on fumes with my current intake struggle -- and she mistook the look on my face for a smile when I actually had slits for eyes and the rest was closer to a smirk.

I waited for her to be distracted -- which wasn't hard because she's old -- before telling her, "May you fall asleep under a camel suffering from post-nasal drip." (If you recognize where that comes from, you're probably dating yourself like I am.) It went right over her head because she wasn't paying attention, but I wasn't about to repeat it and the handful of others in the room got the message. I was left alone after that.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

 

[CODawn]

Here's to better days!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 7, 2022 and October 8, 2022

The best things that can be said about both of these days is that they're over and I know where I am in Foundation Light. But that doesn't say much, so I guess I'll elaborate. CAUTION: This is going to sound like a vent in places. It is not aimed at anyone in the community, so there is that.

Friday was a disaster. I woke up shortly after 2am with one of those very dark feelings racing through my head. I can't attach it to a specific dream. It was one of those very rare but occasional very eerie feelings that something was about to go terribly wrong somewhere. It kept me awake for three hours. When I finally crawled out of bed I was having one of my (expletive) everyone and everything moments. I only bothered to shave and get into my work clothes and that was it. So I was already on fumes, without breakfast, when my work shift started at 10.

My fears were realized half an hour into my shift. The department heads had just gotten out of a meeting -- I was working the express checkout line and as such I was not expected to show -- and one of them came to my lane with a card a Dunkin' Donuts gift card worth US$25. As is my custom when waiting on a colleague, I do a small check-in.

"How's your day going, Sabrina?" I asked her.

"It was going okay until I found out that Michael quit." was the response.

WHAM! I immediately felt like I had been hit on the skull with a 16-ton anvil, the kind used in cartoons. Michael was the store director, and for everyone else's purposes he quit without notice. I found out later through one of the one assistant directors -- without asking directly, he volunteered it when I said I had no words for it -- that Michael had wanted to tell the assistant director and managers for two weeks but wanted to know what his salary was where he was going first. It's apparently some US$18K more than he was making at the store where I work.

I couldn't help but think, "Couldn't he at least have given notice because he's this store's top man?", and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had been at the store for longer than he'd been (9 months, backing out time lost to non-work related injury, versus 3 months for the store director). The rest of the day was a real struggle, I'm sure I made some mistakes that I don't normally make, and I could barely hold anything down except a coffee and a donut before retreating to my parents' place for the weekend after I got off my shift (two of my siblings are visiting from out of town).

That night, during my scheduled life coach session, I had to talk through the entire episode and let her probe me to uncover what went wrong and what we can do to cope. That's best left between me and her (for the record, her house in Tampa took some water damage but otherwise she is okay, which I was more than relieved to hear and I told her this).

Today I wanted to do Day 8 of Foundation Light, but I paid full penalty for eating so little yesterday. I swept the driveway because there were so many pine needles it felt like a skating rink underfoot, but since I don't quite have the balance to handle a push broom yet I had to make a bunch of smaller piles as if I raking leaves. It took an hour to clear the space, and my body sent clear signals that it was too much. I spent half the afternoon asleep in a spare room on the third floor that was my bedroom before I moved to my current apartment. Some of the stuff, like clothing, that I need to move over there is still sitting there. Nobody said I was organized.

 

[Isla Morha]

October 7, 2022 and October 8, 2022

The best things that can be said about both of these days is that they're over and I know where I am in Foundation Light. But that doesn't say much, so I guess I'll elaborate. CAUTION: This is going to sound like a vent in places. It is not aimed at anyone in the community, so there is that.

Friday was a disaster. I woke up shortly after 2am with one of those very dark feelings racing through my head. I can't attach it to a specific dream. It was one of those very rare but occasional very eerie feelings that something was about to go terribly wrong somewhere. It kept me awake for three hours. When I finally crawled out of bed I was having one of my (expletive) everyone and everything moments. I only bothered to shave and get into my work clothes and that was it. So I was already on fumes, without breakfast, when my work shift started at 10.

My fears were realized half an hour into my shift. The department heads had just gotten out of a meeting -- I was working the express checkout line and as such I was not expected to show -- and one of them came to my lane with a card a Dunkin' Donuts gift card worth US$25. As is my custom when waiting on a colleague, I do a small check-in.

"How's your day going, Sabrina?" I asked her.

"It was going okay until I found out that Michael quit." was the response.

WHAM! I immediately felt like I had been hit on the skull with a 16-ton anvil, the kind used in cartoons. Michael was the store director, and for everyone else's purposes he quit without notice. I found out later through one of the one assistant directors -- without asking directly, he volunteered it when I said I had no words for it -- that Michael had wanted to tell the assistant director and managers for two weeks but wanted to know what his salary was where he was going first. It's apparently some US$18K more than he was making at the store where I work.

I couldn't help but think, "Couldn't he at least have given notice because he's this store's top man?", and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had been at the store for longer than he'd been (9 months, backing out time lost to non-work related injury, versus 3 months for the store director). The rest of the day was a real struggle, I'm sure I made some mistakes that I don't normally make, and I could barely hold anything down except a coffee and a donut before retreating to my parents' place for the weekend after I got off my shift (two of my siblings are visiting from out of town).

That night, during my scheduled life coach session, I had to talk through the entire episode and let her probe me to uncover what went wrong and what we can do to cope. That's best left between me and her (for the record, her house in Tampa took some water damage but otherwise she is okay, which I was more than relieved to hear and I told her this).

Today I wanted to do Day 8 of Foundation Light, but I paid full penalty for eating so little yesterday. I swept the driveway because there were so many pine needles it felt like a skating rink underfoot, but since I don't quite have the balance to handle a push broom yet I had to make a bunch of smaller piles as if I raking leaves. It took an hour to clear the space, and my body sent clear signals that it was too much. I spent half the afternoon asleep in a spare room on the third floor that was my bedroom before I moved to my current apartment. Some of the stuff, like clothing, that I need to move over there is still sitting there. Nobody said I was organized.

Sounds like a rough time. Sorry about that. I hope things get better.

 

[CODawn]

Wow...shitty days...I hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

Wishing for you continued strength to get through all that you're dealing with right now, David, and continued faith to persevere with your "taking baby steps back" plan. (It does make a difference, even on the days when it doesn't feel like it.)

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you fellow bees. Basically it was a shock I didn’t want or need. I guess that’s why I’m working with a life coach and was fortunate to have a scheduled session the other night (as of when I am typing this) with her, because it allowed a chance for her to quietly take everything apart and locate where the key problems were. As admitted that’s between me and her, but she found some things for me to work on before I talk to her again in a few days.

 

[CODawn]

She sounds wonderful.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 9, 2022

Foundation Light Day 8

10 straight leg raises and 10-count straight raised leg hold (both sides); 10 side leg raises and 10-count side raised leg hold (both sides); 3 sets

I found this one hard on my bad side (my right) in particular, but that's exactly the point of it. Had to grab my pants leg to assist with the side leg raises on the right leg; this only helped to guide and certainly didn't make the reps any easier. I'm definitely taking this though.

Slightly better day after a couple of...well, disasters, really, to close out last week. The feeling outside of the workout clearance is generally uneasy. I'm still not sure I've really wrapped my head around Friday's bombshell at my workplace.

This week I am having the air conditioner unit taken out of my apartment per building protocol. The only thing I need to do is call the office of my landlord -- the local housing authority -- and ask them if I need to be in my unit on Thursday when the removal will take place. I have a work shift that afternoon so some clarification will tell me if I may have to put a parent on standby or not. My guess is no but I don't want to assume anything.

Watched a little bit of New England-Detroit before getting a lift back to my unit. Suffice it to say I got to see firsthand why I don't care about the NFL much anymore except for C'Mon Man and looking to see if any tackle football coaches have been fired recently (they're dropping like flies in the college ranks)...yes, I'm a bit sinister. Just rest assured that I wouldn't want to see any of you lose your jobs.

 

[CODawn]

I didn't see much of that game but it seemed like a lot of field goals. I did dig the Patriots' vintage helmets.

 

[TopNotch]

Hey, if you need to vent, then vent. Better than keeping it all bottled up inside.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

I didn't see much of that game but it seemed like a lot of field goals. I did dig the Patriots' vintage helmets.

There were…five to be precise. Pats had a third-stringer under center, so Detroit was lucky it wasn’t something like 45-0. They looked that bad. Guy I used to know who I still text from time to time told me afterward he wants to see Lions head coach Dan Campbell fired, and he means now. Yikes!

 

[CODawn]

Hackett is on the hotseat out here too.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 10, 2022

Anybody want to coach an NFL team? I hear the Carolina Panthers are looking now that Matt Rhule is fired!

Okay, enough sarcasm.

Foundation Light Day 10

10 step jacks and 2 side jacks, 4 times over, 3 sets

Right side showing definite signs of improvement. Can walk short distances -- emphasis on short -- with a less noticeable limp, and climbing stairs normally is starting to come around. Did not try to do today's routine at a fast pace; I just don't think that's a good idea right now.

Observation: The anxiety over the nutrition piece of the puzzle is real. Finally was brave enough to ask something basic at the help desk area based on what I have and to my surprise and delight got several viable ideas from other bees, all of whom got upvoted. I hesitate to mark one as a solution immediately because I want to give others a fair shake to offer their input if they so wish. It wouldn't be fair to block people out because of time zone differences. I'm expecting the rest of the calendar year to be a struggle because you can't out-train problematic eating habits and that relationship with food can only be brought back to stable in pieces...the dangers of having no choice but to DIY in action. But at least I'm not alone here.

 

[TopNotch]

Great news on your improvement!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 11, 2022

Foundation Light Day 10

10 wall half-squats, 10-count wall half-squat hold, 10 calf raises, 10-count calf raise hold; 3 sets

Feeling a little sore tonight. The last set of this morning's workout was definitely a challenge, and to say today was plagued by restricting/unhealthy eating (both, really) is being charitable about it, so of course I would pay some kind of cost. It isn't a secret that the nutrition puzzle piece is going to take a long time to adequately solve.

Work shift today was crazy. I worked the express lane, which is fine by me because the assistant managers want that as often as possible and I effectively volunteered for that purpose. The problem was the current lack of cashiers. I worked my line as best as I could, but the after-school rush was more than the other registers were equipped to handle despite the express lane being open for the specific purpose of taking small orders off of the main lines. My direct manager had to hop on one of the checkout lines because the late shift took their sweet time going down onto the floor (they were called down on the intercom and immediately reprimanded), and I ended up going about 40 minutes beyond what I was supposed to work...I say supposed to because in theory this particular supermarket likes to be tight about holding people to their shifts.

My direct supervisor apologized for that, but I turned that on its head by saying she was buried (which she was) and in my eyes had no choice. She's clearly exhausted in the wake of Friday's bombshell departure of the store director, and I still don't know if one of the assistant managers was the default next in line. I wanted to hug her as a show of support but felt it would be taken as inappropriate.

I'm honestly expecting more of this. The labor market isn't what it once was.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 12, 2022

This was a bad one. The restriction demons beat me up, and hard. Definitely underate. No try to extend the 3-day streak was made.

Part of the problem is that I am having a lot of problems getting the idea that I need a professional nutritionist out of my head. The options that I wanted to work with (Kickoff, Caliber) are already dead in the water and I'm spending enough money as it is on my life coach at US$85 a session. I can't afford the ideal option, so why am I having trouble accepting this? You tell me.

Work shift ran long again. I wasn't too surprised to see this because right now the staffing situation is a mess. Still no sign that there's a replacement for the store director who quit last Friday, so the managers that are still there are being run ragged trying to do more than they should or are capable of, depending on your view. I'm trying to play it cool on my end to avoid further trouble there. So far it's been working out. They might as well call me Mr. Express Checkout these days because that is all I've been doing the last couple of weeks.

Tomorrow my A/C unit is being removed for the winter months. Building maintenance will be with the crew that's doing it so there should be no problems. Hoping it gets done in the morning, but contingency plans are in place in case I have to leave for my shift before the crew shows up.

 

[mavie]

I can't afford the ideal option, so why am I having trouble accepting this? You tell me.

if you can not afford the option it is far from ideal. Framing it that way may be an excuse.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

When it comes to recovering from restrictive eating disorders, calories in is so much more important than "good nutrition" especially in the beginning. If you eat thousands of calories of pizza and snacks it is better and more nutritious for you than not eating anything, or eating less than your body needs right now. A lot of recovery coaches will say that it doesn't matter at all what you're eating as long as you're eating. If you really want nutritious foods, add plant foods and vegan meals into what you're eating but be careful you don't use that as a new form of dieting/restriction. Eat anything and everything that sounds good to you. Even if you aren't physically hungry but mentally you want food, it's just as important to eat then as well and even if it's a whole box of plain crackers or cereal or whatever that's totally fine and good. Your body will sort the rest out after you've recovered so don't be surprised if you only crave sugar and grains and easy to digest things right now because restricting f's up your digestion and your body knows it can handle those easy things better to get calories in motion to start repairing your body. Lean into it and eat foods you're afraid to eat. Celebrate each day that's a victory and let go of the ones that aren't, it takes awhile to get the hang of it. You'll get there, just be kind with yourself. It's a long process and all you have to do to start it is start eating. If you have any past trauma around food, body image, weight, etc, those things you have to work on mentally and since you already have a life coach maybe talk with them about any of those things that might be holding you back.

You've got this. One day at a time. Trust your body, it knows what to do.
And remember this mantra: Progress, not perfection.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 13 and October 14, 2022

The short version: Both days were misfires despite a decent shift on the supermarket floor.

The longer version: Ate horribly on Thursday, woke up at 2am on Friday, then had the gall or stupidity, take your pick, to knock off a couple of errands on foot in heavy rain. The result wore out my bad side to say the very least. But at least, among other things, I don’t look like a member of the Beatles circa 1965 (I don’t like my hair long).

I was disinvited from my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary — they went out to lunch — because they knew I would only be going to make them happy which caused friction before. Unhappy about this, I felt compelled to tell my life coach about it last night. In so doing I made it clear that listening would be enough if that was all she could do.

Instead, she chose to probe…very carefully. In doing so, she uncovered how among other things I thought I wanted to know what calorie counts in restaurant foods were…until I started finding them out. That natural head for numbers backfiring in brutal fashion, among other things.

Further discussion on that topic will go to the help desk once I have it thought out in gentleman fashion (which may take a couple of days). Brainwaves do feel off from can best be described as a three-day self-sabotage screw-up.

But at the end of the day, once I get my brainwaves back in gear (I am not scheduled this weekend which will help), my coach probed enough and uncovered enough coping possibilities — I will need to work with them for a little bit before sharing them — that it looks like maybe those dietician concerns can be kicked to the curb. That would be a blessing in disguise, since there are suggestions I could look up elsewhere on the Darebee website.

Shall we give this another go, bees? I’m thinking we should.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 15, 2022

Foundation Light Day 11

12 march steps, 6 inclined slow climbers, 12 side leg raises, 6 inclined plank leg raises; 3 sets

This was done gently and gingerly, especially the slow climbers. A chair assist was used for the 12-rep exercises.

Better day overall. Felt a touch foggy upstairs but that's a direct result of a couple of disaster nights under the covers earlier in the week. Waited until late afternoon to do the workout when my head was a little bit clearer.

Personal notes:

* I need to be careful this coming week. Sif mentioned progress and not perfection; this needs to be taken to heart.

* Having a dental checkup on Thursday...all I can say is yeesh. But I have a work shift soon after, so at least there will something to rid my mind of that.

 

[CODawn]

I loved her progress not perfection comment.
I hate going to the dentist. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 16, 2022

So...I wasn't able to hit on Foundation Light today. In its own way, it was just as well.

It's par for the course these days that I try to help my parents out on the weekend. Emphasis is on try. My dad is a nasty 7-letter word not repeatable here (starts with an "a", ends with an "e", if you need a clue). He thinks patience virtues are for sissies.

There is only so much movement that my leg can tolerate, so when he failed to think things through and just tossed task after task (in order, a driveway sweep -- one that I can only do in small piles as if I was raking because I can't handle a push broom right now -- that was interrupted by being asked to barbecue chicken breasts, finishing said driveway, cleaning the underside of his bulkhead, which was not fun because the space was tight, and fertilizing his tomatoes) expecting them to be done today or else, only my leg giving out stopped him dead in his tracks. In this case, giving out means becoming tired enough to make taking walking steps very difficult.

He then had the gall to ask why my leg gave out so early. Mother told him to shut up.

At mid-afternoon, when I was finally able to struggle into a chair, I watched Chinese basketball for an hour. They have a cable channel called NXT Level Sports, and it airs pre-recorded sports events from overseas regularly, often without commentary. It's probably all the TV I'm going to watch all week, since I feel that most of the stuff on television today is best described as mindless drivel.

Only a quick glance at the Pats-Browns game...the NFL's regional game rules are stupid to say the very least IMO. Sent a text to a guy I used to see years ago -- a former trainer in better days (although admittedly he was not optimal for me because he was a bad listener), and called the Browns the Boneless Brown Trout, code for an internationally famous four-letter expletive best left unsaid.

He knew what I meant. "Boneless Brown Trout," he responded. "Heheheheheheee."

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

I am sorry for your trials of the weekend, David. (I know all too well what it is like trying to help elderly parents who demand too much and do not take your own needs into consideration. It sucks!) Kudos to you for persevering in trying to do what you can. Please do remember to take care of yourself too! You deserve care and consideration as much as anyone else.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 17 and October 18, 2022

Revisited some of the physical therapy exercises post-injury on Monday, and mostly walking on Tuesday. Day 12 of FL looked intimidating and the fighting spirit to try wasn't really there.

Noticed yesterday that I felt particularly anti-social. Work shift was okay, but I wanted nothing to do with the other residents in my complex and it felt like I was going out of my way to avoid them. In part I know a terrible night under the covers on Monday night was at least partly to blame, but as I type this it's coming to me that I'm struggling with feeling fat, too...and I'm not anywhere near that territory.

At least the obsession with finding an RD has stopped for now...that was doing a lot more harm than good to my headspace.