@CODawn What gets my attention is that there is the case we’re going borderline out of her scope of practice IMO, into stuff that an RD or therapist (or both) should be handling. But neither of those worked out for my needs, and Coach keeps finding these alternate angles that only a special kind of listener can uncover. I’m counting my lucky stars — whatever that’s supposed to mean — quite the bit lately.
20 side leg raises, 10 step jacks, 20 side leg raises, 10 side jacks; 3 sets
We’re in the middle of a wet spell in my part of the US, and it didn’t take long for any and all attempts to continue cutting the bushes back to be put on hold for a week. Last year we barely got any rain during the astrological summer. This year it has sometimes felt like it wouldn’t stop raining. That’s New England for you.
It wouldn’t have mattered what came off and what didn’t today, because I definitely felt scatterbrained and was fortunate to get today’s workout off. I have a work shift tomorrow which will help a little, but not enough.
The 9/11 anniversary will always be a trigger date for me because the planes originated not far from where I was working at the time. It’s the kind of thing that even Coach Angela can’t really help with, because it involves a flood of emotions that overtake my system and don’t leave until the next day. The Boston Marathon bombing anniversary ties me up in similar knots for almost identical reasons (I knew someone at the time who was running the marathon that day, and for about 24 hours I thought he was dead.)
So disordered eating problems or not, I’m not expecting to be able to hold much down tomorrow. Dinner could well consist of just one of those Nissin Cup Noodles ramen soups that can be picked up ridiculously cheaply.
I only have four work shifts this week. Mother thinks I got slighted a little, but I chose not to dispute it. Headspace is already overloaded, so I’m taking what’s there and ignoring the rest.
I’ll probably feel better once Tuesday comes along and the trigger is no longer in play for another year, but right now “survive and advance” will have to be the mantra.
20 scissor chops, 20 arm scissors, 20 side shoulder taps, 20 shoulder taps; 3 sets
Also approximately 30 minutes of walking.
As expected, 9/11 was a challenging day. Fortunately, the CSR (customer service representative) in charge at my store understood where I was coming from. She simply gave me my lane assignment and told me to pace myself, do what I can. It would be what it was.
The thanks she got was a better session today. I curtailed some of what I wanted to do outside of work because it wasn’t my best night under the covers last night (can’t imagine why…insert canned laugh here), but I was more than willing to take what I could get, especially considering that I cooked my own dinner tonight (last night ended up being ramen and a small roast beef sandwich).
Intake overall is still struggling, but Coach Angela has been made aware that I need to talk about feeling like I needed to be an athlete because all my siblings were on some level. We talk on Friday night. If she breaks through — and I wouldn’t bet against her — it would be a step in the right direction.
The immediate future does admittedly look scary because trying to eat semi-normally is going to feel like myself go, and the puzzle pieces aren’t in place to address that. But for now I’ll work with what I have. Trust with me is hard to establish and easy to break, and I’m tired of looking.
10 shoulder shrugs, 10 tricep stretches, 10 hip rotations, 10 side bends, 10 core twists, 10 calf raises; 3 sets
Also about a half hour of walking as part of my work commute.
I stayed a little later at work to go some through training as the protocol for processing orders for third party shoppers (ex. Doordash) has changed and earlier in the week I discovered that by surprise. While I figured it out somehow, that way isn’t best. So I took a half hour to read through that material (I’m a slow reader; the guesstimate was 10 minutes but my brain does not function in typical fashion).
Claimed the workout prior to the shift, and this time without having to hold anything…although the calf raises were a bit dodgy at times. I’ll still take it.
Apparently a colleague is as crazy as I am: He was talking about how he would want to go, in Looney Tunes style, if anything ever happened to him. He mentioned pianos and safes, which have been featured in those shorts to that effect. I was waiting on him so I joined in, saying that if that did happen to me I would like it to be the 16-ton anvil or the Wile E. Coyote classic, the boulder.
Lunch was a casualty again, but getting three meals a day consistently is going to be a trick as mentioned yesterday. First Coach Angela needs to finish healing the running wound. From there, I don’t know. There’s no plan of attack available that makes practical or financial sense that I can of which I haven’t already attempted.
20 backward leg swings, 20 march steps, 20 backward leg swings, 20 step jacks; 3 sets
Also about 20 minutes of walking.
Didn’t sleep all that well last night. Can’t remember what the nightmare was. But bottom line is I was feeling anti-social in my complex, so I went across town to spend an extra couple of days with my parents. There’s not much I can do for them before Sunday, but I could take periodic naps there in relative peace today. Having to bring over meds for mother from a nearby pharmacy sealed that decision.
Pulled the workout out of the hat using a chair assist for all but the step jacks. Without the chair available I likely would have passed. Balance felt terrible on the bad side today.
When I arrived to deliver the meds, mother asked if I talked to anybody about the hours I had gotten this week. I told her the half-truth that we were running a little short because one of my managers is on holiday through tomorrow. What I didn’t tell her — and didn’t have to — was that this week I was content to get the four shifts that I got. My headspace wasn’t in a place for more, with having to deal with the 9/11 anniversary and all.
Said anniversary might have to be mentioned a little bit to Coach Angela tomorrow night, but I’d rather slay other dragons. As mentioned earlier in the week, 9/11 is one of those retriggers that will haunt me for life, and it will be all I can do just to soldier through that date somehow.
The goal is on the horizon for Vitality for what it’s worth.
@CODawn I’ve been listening to Mr. Lightfoot more recently upon reading that his personal struggles often made their way into his songs (although he usually did not name names). At the time Sundown was recorded, his first marriage had disintegrated, he was having some problems with the bottle as a result, and he was in the middle of three stormy years living with Cathy Smith. Yes, that Cathy Smith who later was sent to the clink for sending the fatal heroin dose that brought an early end to John Belushi.
20 arm extensions, 20 raised arm circles, 20 chest expansions, 20 bicep extensions; 3 sets
Vitality Day 30
10 shoulder stretches, 10 side bends, 10 core twists, 10 hip rotations, 10 single hip rotations, 10 calf raises; 3 sets
There was also a half hour or so of walking, done yesterday.
We’ve had to deal with some heavy wind gusts today as the brunt of Hurricane Lee missed New England to the east last night and today, which made walking a little bit of a risk. To counter I managed to space out the final two Vitality routines enough to capture my second badge, and I’ll gladly take it. A chair assist was needed for those single hip rotations which are pretty dodgy at best.
Yesterday was a roller coaster. I was a star in the express line at work, but in the hours before working with Coach Angela I felt there was barely any appetite. Half of dinner went down the disposal. I also teed off on a colleague who said something really stupid when I waited on him.
My store had a career fair today, and the colleague in question had asked if I was going to the career fair at a store to which we both were already employed.
Why would I do that? It made zero sense, so to me was wide open for Evil David Tricks.
“You Southerners,” I told him (he happens to be originally be from a southern US state, although he hasn’t disclosed which one), “ain’t the fastest dern rats in dat dar maze, y’all hear?”
He proceeded to look at me like I had three heads and still needed a moment to figure out that it sounded like I was being mean to him. Of course, Captain Obvious. You walked into that one like you were walking into a wall with your eyes shut.
Once in session with Coach Angela later, it felt like I was going through a painful exorcism. She dug deep enough to finally close the running wound, thank the stars. But we also had to open a Pandora’s Box of trust issues in the process, because she discovered that not letting non-runners into those days — because I didn’t know any — made the aftermath of that era falling apart hurt really bad and certainly contributed to the disordered eating that started immediately in its wake.
What to do with said disordered eating going forward won’t be an easy solve as I have exhausted all the financially plausible options I can think of. Coach Angela might be able to work on some behavior change but my heart feels like it’s going to need more guidance than she can give. The flip side of that is renewing that search is probably more trouble than it’s worth: The odds of locating someone else who will be the kind of hands-on listener I need are about as good as the odds of an atheist being elected Pope, so while I’m no fan or trial-and-error, the reality is I’ll have to force myself to do that at some point because I can’t think of any other workable options.
The struggles are real @Tileenah, but I do get some karma every now and then on people who I blame for making the disordered eating worse. An example is below.
3 hours and 45 minutes helping parents with yard work, almost all of it cutting down a bush in my mother’s driveway that was simply too big for her to manage. Apparently I missed an opportunity to get called in for an extra shift at work in the process, but I would have had to say no to that. This project was known several days ahead of time so my services were already spoken for.
This was a gamble, because before today I haven’t spent more than a couple of hours at a stint helping with yard work. Fortunately I got through with nothing more than stiff legs, which are now being rested for the night as I type this.
Mother and myself did most of the work. Eventually dad came out to try to help, but he was in over his head on a beautiful day for the middle of September. The bush had to be cut considerably back to bring it to a manageable size, and at one point he complained about whether we’d be able to finish the job.
What I said was, “I’ll find a way, given enough time,” which my mother marveled at. (“God bless you if you pull it off”, she said.)
But what I meant was completely different: “Shut up, fatso, and keep cutting.”
This alternate meaning was not lost on my dad. He once said I would end up fat no matter what I did with my life, and I still haven’t forgiven him for it. I knew he is too stupid to know his limits, so all I have to do is shame him to make him regret sticking his nose into this thing.
The ruse worked. He was more than sufficiently shamed and stayed out longer than he should have; by the time he came in for good he was as good as knocked out. Meanwhile I saw the whole thing through to the end by simply respecting my range of motion and letting my cutters do most of the grabbing, which is probably what saved me. I didn’t say it when I bounced back in after finishing the clean up and closing the garage, but I certainly thought it:
“If you weren’t obese, dad, you would have had no problem staying out there.”
Normally, I would try to give a pass to people who aren’t really in the best shape; one of the assistant store directors is also on the heavy side but has gotten zero comments about that. But I’ve been around my dad long enough to know he gave up on his life and goes out of his way to make himself miserable, so to my eyes he deserved what he got. I have no intention of apologizing before he’s six feet under.
Okay, so that turned into one nasty vent. Just rest assured I won’t say similar stuff about you bees.
I don’t have a lot to say about today. It’s been dank, dark, dreary and wet. Especially wet. The only thing missing was someone utilizing the ancient Chinese secret of throwing lightning down from the sky (if you believe that one, I have more where that came from).
Baseline is perhaps not the best call I could have made after dusting Foundation Light and Vitality, but it does have a few sit-to-stand exercises that I wish to at least try just to see where I am with minimal risk. It’s not unfair to say I’m buying time because the programs with RPG elements are catching my eye but also feel like they could be trouble. Any kind of fitness tracker and me aren’t friends, so I don’t have a viable way to handle the journey sections of Age of Pandora, for instance.
Nothing new to say on the elaborate vents of the last couple of days. Right now I’m content to let the healed running chapter sit still, allow it to process. I’m fortunate to have someone who could pull that out of her hat.
A lot of walking…over an hour of it yesterday. See below.
The last of couple of days have been a bit packed and I haven’t been sleeping too good…failed miserably at making time for Baseline Day 2 on both occasions.
Made up for it somewhat by walking where I needed to go. This included to get a needed haircut, but it also involved voting in a local mayoral primary, the latter a process I despise.
I’ll tell you something about politics and me: Don’t ask me about it. It will tell you everything you need to know that I voted for myself via write-in (and if it still doesn’t click, I don’t know how else I can tell you).
At work, multiple customers are telling me that I’m the best cashier in the store. My heart is not taking this well because any impression of being the best = cockiness = who knows what kinds of problems will erupt. I made a mental note that I need to talk to Coach Angela about this. I’m hoping we can talk over Zoom this week, because if we do I can use my stuffie bunny to visually show her what’s happening inside (she is okay with this, as long as no harm comes to the bunny and no suggestive gestures are made, both of which are sure locks).
The back half of this week has been a misfire. Today was the first time I had anything close to three meals since Monday, and I’ve had to deal with some nightmares.
There’s been some walking, but the rest has been a struggle. There is no point holding it in:
* I’m worried about my immediate manager. Last week was expected because everyone knew she was on well-earned holiday, but she took unpaid days off this week and in getting my schedule for the week to come I noticed she wasn’t on it at all. I’m hoping she didn’t get hurt while on holiday but I’m afraid to pry much because her life is none of my business.
* Today fatigue was definitely showing. Waking up at 6 so I could get laundry squared away before work almost certainly didn’t help, but the line on my express lane was going back into the store aisles at times today. I was displeased at the effort I was seeing from the high schoolers on the regular lines and said so. Made a mental note that I need to follow up with Coach Angela on this.
* Coach was able to dig out that the apartment doesn’t feel like the home I want it to be, yet. At present it’s more of a space to stay the night after work. It’s not hopeless, but I could use…things. Homework to do on that front. I have a birthday in two months so it’s possible some stuff could be gifted.
She is also speaking at a career event that will be held on LinkedIn on October 11, which I thought was wonderful for her and said as much (I might have to check with the mods to ask if sharing the link to that is in line with protocol).
Rain has moved in again. I need the excuse to pull myself together, so I went to my parents’ anyway to stay a couple of nights. Brought my dice tower with me. Maybe I’ll share one of my setups in a photo.
Song of the Day: U2 — I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
10 calf raises, 10 squats, 10 hip rotations, 10 side bends; 3 sets
Also the better part of an hour or so first sweeping my parents’ basement, and then most of their driveway before showers returned later.
Today was dank and dreary, again, but somehow felt more peaceful after yesterday’s “fun” on the checkout line. Left my phone off so that I couldn’t be called in.
I know the workout plan for Baseline calls for sit-to-stand, but I didn’t trust my chair much. I compensated by giving squats a go, using the seat of the chair as a target. The bad side “popped” a lot, but I somehow managed to trim my toenails after my shower (not guaranteed with my bad right hip), so it couldn’t have been that bad.
Didn’t bother watching any of the NFL games. A tiny peek at times, but no more. The NFL isn’t my thing, and you’re all better off not knowing how I feel about tackle football generally. My Leeds United boys are unbeaten in three matches after a comprehensive 3-0 whitewash of Watford yesterday, and I’m content to know they’re at least looking like they won’t be showing the dreadful form that got them relegated from England’s top tier last term.
Tomorrow is going to be a bit rough. My work shift is in an odd spot and isn’t long enough (3.5 hours) to allow a break, so I’m probably going to have to do what I can with only two meals. It’s uncomfortable because restoring a normal eating pattern basically requires three meals, but those hunger and satiation cues I should be getting are basically non-existent so the odds I’ll notice aren’t good. Unfortunately, since my insurance doesn’t cover nutrition professionals (some do but mine is not one of them), the only real path I have to get one now is to dump Coach Angela. That option is dead on arrival because I am nowhere near a place where I feel I can consistently function without her, especially socially.
Song of the Day: Hall and Oates — I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)
10 hip rotations, 20 raised arm circles, 20 chest expansions, 20-count single leg hold on both sides; 3 sets
Today there was an hour doing apartment upkeep and some 20 minutes of walking. Said apartment upkeep involves cleaning my bathroom, vacuuming, and washing the floor with a Swiffer WetJet because I can use that with my cane when I need to.
It has been a challenging week. That’s why I haven’t been on much. One of my managers has had to take leave from work, and the reason isn’t a cheapie: Her son recently had brain surgery and at last check a treatment plan was still being finalized (this may have progressed as the info given here is a few days old, but probing into matters like this is none of my business. It was volunteered to me by a higher-up when I said I was worried about her).
We’ve been a bit short staffed this week; I have been asked to take an extra shift tomorrow to help make sure there is coverage on the checkout lines. By the time all is said and done I will be pushing 28 hours worked this week, which is the most that I’ve done in a while. But it wasn’t over five days on the bounce so I should be okay.
Today was one of my better days as I managed to nail down my upkeep and still take a little time for myself before posting this…but I admit to feeling a bit knocked out. Maybe I’ll sleep through for once.
Tomorrow night I have a meeting with Coach Angela. More healing of my bad relationship with food is on the docket. I need more than my coach can give, but seeing as how I’m reduced to getting what I can from the kind of listener she is (read: very, very good), I will have to gamble on hoping a eureka moment comes through since I am not expecting my longer hours to last. I’m going to have a hard decision to make about my insurance when enrollment for 2024 starts in six weeks or so.
Song of the Day: Don Henley — The End of the Innocence
About 45 minutes of walking (9/30), then 2 1/4 hours helping my parents with yard work (10/1). For the latter, we were able to finish trimming back a bush that had gotten too big for mother to handle. Total time for that across three sessions amounted to roughly 7 1/2 hours.
So…where do I start? It’s going to sound ugly.
It took a lot for me to not break down into a waterfall of tears during my shift on Saturday. One of the customer service reps — that’s what they’re called in my store, but they’re supervisors basically — didn’t show up for any of her shifts this week and no reason was shown on the schedule. There’s reason to think she quit, which would be a disaster since of my managers is on leave because she had no choice but to take it (her son recently had brain surgery, which is really serious business).
The result was nobody was in charge for a solid chunk of yesterday in checkout, and I have gone on record saying that’s not okay. It mattered because lines were going back into the aisles (also not okay for reasons that I hope are obvious), and there was nobody authorized to page for backup in that situation. Customers were empathetic and appreciated my effort, but a feeling of frustration took a toll.
So yesterday, I didn’t have a scheduled shift. To get my point across that there needs to be someone in charge 24/7 and that a bad job is being done handling a crisis situation, I left my phone off on purpose until it was no longer practical for me to be called in. They tried anyway. I deleted the message without response. I was in no mood to take a shift and in even less mood to discuss it.
I had already gone across town to help my mother finish taking back a large bush that had gotten too big for her to maintain, so that’s what I did. This time, there won’t be any apologies about it. I might even see if I can get a copy of “On War” by Clausewitz on the cheap. Investment bankers and similar types will read “On War” secretly not because they’re embarrassed to be caught with it but because they don’t want to let anyone in on their technique.
Also, about 35 minutes sweeping my parents’ driveway before heading back to my flat.
Admittedly, today was a case of riding the storm out, as I still had smoke out my ears from Saturday combined with general frustration over self-care feeling unsolvable at the moment (@CODawn@Tileenah you two are troopers. I wish I could give both of you real hugs.)
Converting the Baseline workout without having to modify was nice; pacing was the only real concern and that feels down pat by now. Sweeping the driveway was simply a carryover from yesterday after the bush trimming and I didn’t have to be asked; I just went and did. So movement was acceptable today.
The rest was a bit dodgy as I felt moody. Spent more time than usual playing an adaptation of an old UK football (soccer) game called Logacta that I found online (it goes back to the late ‘70s). Basically it uses dice and charts to recreate an association football season (or seasons) complete with cup tournaments and the occasional World Cup and European championship every few seasons. I adapted my printouts to create a five-tier (!) association for better structure and keeping track requires some neatwork, but it gets a fair amount of my downtime because of my soft spot for association football (and it doesn’t hurt that I can just use a standard folder to carry most of the material around). I’ll share a photo of one of my setups tomorrow.
Speaking of football, my Leeds boys got comprehensively beaten over the weekend by Southampton by 3 goals to 1 (it wasn’t that close). I can only shrug at that. I like the club but see no point in being a rabid supporter like so many people can be for their teams in any sport of your choice.
Song of the Day: Aerosmith — Come Together (yes, the Beatles did it first, but I thought this was a brilliant cover)
10 calf raises, 10 air half-squats (I did not trust my chair for sit-to-stand), 20 arm scissors, 20 scissor chops; 3 sets
Also about 25 minutes of walking.
The photo shown is one of my Logacta setups from my parents’ house. I printed additional bare bones spreadsheets to keep track of clubs’ goals scored and conceded because it is easier for me to take the extra time to audit myself after every matchweek instead of after every four.
It’s a good thing that I converted my Baseline workout nice and early (and somehow got away with that total of 30 air squats), because once I settled in for my cashier shift at the store, I was in for a shock.
A couple of days ago I mentioned that I had reason to think one of the CSRs had quit. Today I got confirmation of this through a colleague who was familiar with the situation…and who I invariably asked because I wanted to know what was going on.
This was the result I was fearing, but my brain still wasn’t ready for it. I felt awful for the checkout manager and said so, conceding in the process that I had no intelligent ideas on what to do. Neither did she.
We aren’t exactly in a place where they can afford to take me off the checkout lines for even parts of a shift to train to become a CSR, and even if we were I wouldn’t be the first choice. I’m too emotionally unstable to handle that kind of role, and my managers know this. Pressure and me are not friends, and the only way I’ve been able to handle it on the register is because I was mentored extremely well. It would take the same kind of mentoring for me to move up the ladder, and that’s dead to rights with the store short-staffed as it is.
The result was that I had an okay, but not spectacular, day on the line. There is a real worry about how the next few weeks will develop because sections of shifts with nobody in charge looks like a foregone conclusion, and that realization means potential chaos with what I want to talk to Coach Angela about this week. So…FML.
Today saw some dead spots in the customer flow at work. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my headspace is still apparently not okay from yesterday’s shock.
This shouldn’t be happening because retail is by nature a high-turnover industry, but I would have expected the CSR who quit to at least give the store notice a couple of weeks ahead of time. This is the part that evidently I am still struggling to deal with.
Eventually sent a text to Coach Angela during my break telling her that I need to talk through this because I’m overwhelmed trying to process it all.
Intake stunk too, but my hands are tied trying to solve that one right now.
About an hour moving about on my feet. Work commute and buying a card for my dad’s birthday on Wednesday was involved.
Today at work, Evil David Tricks were front and center. Usually I stay away from black humor while at the supermarket because I don’t want to risk scaring anyone. But today, with angst from earlier in the week still on my brain and a bad need to unload it before working with Coach Angela tomorrow so we can dig through it all, I could no longer hold back.
My department — at the registers — were the unsuspecting victims. As I was making sure everything was in order before opening my lane, I let fly to four other colleagues in earshot all at once:
“So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar…never mind.”
That’s the black joke in its entirety. Those who knew who Hawking was exploded laughing, which made others break down laughing. I might as well have started a riot.
“Isn’t he dead?” asked one (he is, Hawking passed in 2018).
“Walks?” said another.
Almost certainly not the best outlet I could have used. But suffice it to say I didn’t care.
As for Baseline, my right leg had felt a bit off after my air squat party earlier in the week. It will likely resume tomorrow if all is well, but if I choose to replace sit-to-stands again it will have to be wall squats and probably half squats at that. Live and learn, I suppose.
Song of the Day: George Thorogood and the (Delaware) Destroyers — Bad to the Bone
@CODawn I would if I drank, but I need only one drink to get drunk: My first, and only a few sips. My meds don’t tolerate alcohol and I have the story to prove it. But it’s best not shared publicly.
October 8, 2023
About an hour or so of sweeping and trimming. It was the best I could hope for as my dad felt under the weather and didn’t wish to do much.
So apparently those air squats last week my right hip did not like, period. It hurt to sleep on that side, which partially explains why last week went south. Last night was better but it looks like I might have to stop doing air squats.
It’s a difficult place, really, because I know about the AMAs that the mods do the first half of every month. But, when you have doubts about whether the mods have legitimate fitness credentials, you’re going to be stopped from asking the questions you want to ask faster than the Titanic was when it hit the iceberg. I’m not saying they don’t have credentials, but I am saying that I have no way of knowing and subsequently of verifying. It’s a trust problem.
Meanwhile, Coach Angela had to go through one of her exorcisms the other night, because I had no choice but to talk about what was going on under the hood with my store being short-staffed. We eventually figured out that with the current bus schedule I could, if I dared, take a shift that went until closing (10pm), because there would still be a bus available with more than enough time to reach it…so long as I kept an eye on how the rest of my schedule looked. We both know that’s a risk because I’ve never done that, but I know my weaknesses too well to dare ask if I should become a CSR, so this is the best alternative we could come up with.
My dad’s birthday is Wednesday so this will be a split week between my apartment and my parents’ house. I can’t say I’m close to him or any member of my family for that matter, but he’s still my dad. I have a couple of CDs to gift him (yes, there are people who still listen to CDs).
The song selection is about being at a crossroads in your journey in life and not knowing what to do.
20 march steps, 20-count calf extensions (both sides), 10 hip rotations*, 20 raised arm circles; 3 sets
* I know those are supposed to be torso rotations, but I can't wrap my head around what those are.
There was also a half-hour walk and an hour sweeping my parents' driveway.
Today I went across town to my parents' house for my dad's 75th birthday. Not much going on, but I was able to do some cleanup -- the sweeping mentioned above -- and presented him with two Gordon Lightfoot CDs that he doesn't have. They were received well, and my hope is that he enjoys them.
It was good to walk across town with my walking stick and climb back onto the Baseline train besides, because the last couple of days...sheesh.
So the CSR I mentioned a while ago who I thought had quit without notice? Turns out she had actually been sacked and I was just never told. That doesn't make the present work situation feel any better, because I've gone on record saying I'm uncomfortable without having someone in charge and since we're shorthanded that's happening more often.
The stress has been telling, because the last couple of days the checkout staff that has been on duty -- which includes me -- was overwhelmed. There were nowhere near enough cashiers to handle what felt like an endless flow of people getting their shopping done on a day when many schools in the area were closed (Monday, for...whatever it is they call it now. I'm long out of the classrooms so I could care less.) It takes a lot for me to feel like I'm breaking down, and the lack of consistent supervision has been part of the problem. They know, because I have said so, that I know my weaknesses too good to volunteer to fill in the gap...and they probably can't afford to take me off the lines anyway with the level of respect I usually get from staff and customers alike (read: They like me, very much.)
By the end of yesterday's session it got bad enough that my body full-on rejected dinner. Having to do extracurricular activity in the toilet is...not fun. But when stress headaches get to be too much, the only to clear them has been by throwing up. A previous coach, before I started with Coach Angela, once told me that she believed that somebody (expletive deleted) that one time I tried to go through therapy and missed a PTSD diagnosis, which would make sense because so much happened in high school that for me was traumatic (I once told Coach Angela that after the smoke bombing my ability to learn was compromised because I was always looking over my shoulder for the next threat and still do). It's also shaped my worldview which is particularly dark and far past the point of no return, which almost certainly explains the penchant for black humor that I have.
I guess I'll try to step up by expanding my midnight availability at work to their 10pm closing because the bus schedule would allow that to happen, but I'm not going to lie to you bees: I'm taking a significant risk in so doing because the relationship with food is far from healed. Maybe when I see my idiot of a PCP the scale will indicate that I've dropped a few pounds and that will get his attention. But I doubt it. He didn't listen the previous time, either.
Today’s work shift wasn’t nearly the drainer that the previous two had been: On again, off again is a good approximation. This was good because I had to let my mind wander a little from time to time trying to figure out what a safe plan of attack going forward would be.
No solution was immediately forthcoming, so I made a mental note that when I work with Coach Angela again in a week it could be worth my while to ask if she knows any behavior change tricks. It would also be worth it to let my inner child talk as I sometimes have to allow it to do with her (she’s okay with this).
It was nice to hit today’s Baseline workout without having to modify. This and some of the FL workouts would be relatively safe go-tos once I do finish the program, as I am not really sure which program to try next (some of what I want to explore doesn’t feel like it would be particularly smart to take on, like Age of Pandora).
Intake was a rough go again…there wasn’t really a lunch, just one of the snack size Doritos bags that were in the break room (see above). I’m not having an easy time accepting that I’ve burned through all practically affordable options with my doctor being uncooperative at best. But at the same time I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not worth talking to him about this next week. I already know from experience that men are bad listeners, and there’s too much going on in too many places for me to make myself more miserable by looking for a new PCP.
Song of the Day: Gordon Lightfoot — Poor Little Alison
About two hours of walking and apartment upkeep (vacuuming, washing, cleaning bathroom) on Friday. About 20 minutes of walking today.
Friday was a case of “the next time you do that…don’t do that”. My shift wasn’t until the afternoon, so I took the morning to get some walking around money from the bank and did my apartment upkeep. I managed to get away with this before a 5 1/2 hour shift, but my legs were not happy with me afterward…I might as well have injected them with Viagra (insert your favorite Viagra joke here).
Lesson learned, I suppose.
Had a private conference with the night manager yesterday. What I told her is that I’m more than willing to take a run at nighttime shifts since the store closes at 10 and that gives me 40 minutes to catch a bus over a distance that on a normal day I can do in 15…but it still doesn’t feel like enough with the store a CSR.
“We’re having trouble getting the kids [high schoolers] to fill those shifts, so you’re doing plenty,” she said.
I can’t say I’m convinced, but I also won’t say she wasn’t being sincere. Her tone gave that away.
I made a mental note to talk to Coach Angela about this anyway. I work with her this coming Friday (she was speaking at a LinkedIn event this week and wasn’t available for that reason). More probing on these nighttime shifts I get eased in this week, with one ending at 8 on Monday) is going to be needed because that fragile relationship with food is at risk of further, unneeded damage with the likely possibility of dinner time being worked through at least once a week going forward.
About one hour and fifteen minutes of sweeping and various activities related to helping my parents barbecue a turkey, most of this without a walking stick.
Put Baseline Day 8 on the back burner intentionally today. I wasn’t ready to risk screwing up my hips on 15 sit-to-stands three times over (they are not taking the squatting motion well at all), and substituting an earlier workout didn’t cross my mind until it was too late.
It was just as well because today had a heavy mental energy cost associated with helping my parents barbecue a turkey. Neither thought they could do it because like me they have to make adjustments for the reality that their bodies can’t do what they used to (they’re lazy fat hogs, so what should I expect?), ones that neither were able to think through.
So I had to take command and do much of the work myself. Dad had an extra grill, so I used it as a base to light my starters safely. We used a carrier bag that had been specifically bought for the purpose and lifted it up and down the back porch steps in stages, with me holding the back door. Only I felt that the modified process would work, and it did with only minor hiccups.
Brother-in-law had tried to let me borrow his Nintendo Switch a week or so ago. He took it back on a visit to my parents’ house last Thursday (I was at my apartment where I belong) when I refused to bite. As I told him, if something bad happened to it I would be out US$300, and that’s a week’s pay for me (despite me making nights fully available, I have yet to be rewarded with more hours). He tried to suggest a couple of things I could do with it (including not plug in to the TV), but this also fell on deaf ears.
There will be no crocodile tears on this one. IMO he is trying too hard to become part of the family, and I am too distrusting a person to allow someone to push himself into my life.
Song of the Day: Judas Priest — You’ve Got Another Thing Coming
About 35 minutes of walking, all related to that dang doctor’s appointment that I wanted no part of but did anyway.
Have been away for the last few days simply because moody. You don’t want to be near me when I feel like I may be a ticking time bomb.
I got my flu shot today. That’s about the extent of what went well at the doctor’s office. My weight was down nine pounds from the last time I saw him six months ago or so, but the dolt had nothing to say about that so I wasn’t going to waste my breath or my time asking for nutrition help that was not going to be forthcoming. On that front, I’m pretty much screwed.
General agreement is that the only real option to heal my hip would involve surgery…I’m not hot to go there. The store can’t afford to lose me and I can’t afford to screw around with already fickle emotions. If the walking stick can’t help me get around anymore, only then will I consider going under the knife and not before. At least that’s how I feel about it right now.
FWIW (for what it’s worth): I’m not doing Haunted Hive. Horror is not my thing, period, full stop.
Tomorrow is a short shift (3 hours), and then I get to work with Coach Angela. A spat over me refusing to borrow my brother-in-law’s Nintendo Switch is the topic up for discussion, and the inner child in me has a lot to say about self-control fears. Wish me luck.