LionAlpha
Well-known member
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I believe it's the first time I write my own thread in Safe Space. Generally, as a person, I can handle and deal with many stuff and circumstances in my life. But the one thing that I can't cope with is heartbreak. It's like those metaphors we see in movies and comics, strong and powerful on the outside, but soft as a sponge on the inside.
For the duration of 2024, I was talking with a certain someone. At first, It was like the girl was (or is) the person I was looking for in terms of personality. It's actually one of the few times that the first thing I saw wasn't the looks. Due to distance, we started talking frequently. She wouldn't open up a lot at first, but as the months passed by we started being closer. She was genuine, honest, funny, I tried to be there in the low moments, and she was trying to be in my lows too. We reached a point where considering the circumstances the momentum was great. God the times I said that I can't wait for the holidays to arrive, because I want to see her when she's going to be in her hometown. Even when she seemed distant at times, asking her what was going on led to an honest discussion... until the beginning of November.
She suddenly started being distant, disappearing, not replying to texts. At some point, I was just furious about it and stopped trying. But after a month I couldn't handle the silence, so I reached out. The coldness and distance were there and I still didn't know why, she made it seem like nothing was wrong. I asked her if I was going to see her in the holidays because I already planned the trip. Again, not direct words. Went there. Never saw her, in fact I went there, so she could leave for another city, potentially because she is interested in someone else. I was crushed. My heart couldn't handle it, because I couldn't understand what was going on or why. I couldn't handle the unfairness, the "betrayal", the lack of honesty. I wanted to cry like hell, but I couldn't because I was with friends. Basically, I ruined the trip for them due to my mood. The only thing that I was thinking was that I wanted to go back to my home. And when I did, the moment I entered my room, I was crying for two days straight because I needed the pain to go away, I wanted to feel physically relaxed.
New year came, went outside, looked at the sky and the stars, tried to take it in and swore to myself that things will change. I also discussed it with my therapist, and we both agreed that I need to focus and work on myself, and that then things will work out.
It's been two months since we last talked. I saw a story of hers on her social media referencing something about the city where the new dude is from, and I got triggered all over again, because my mind automatically realized that she will visit Greece soon. All that pain came to mind, but not in the amount that I experienced two months ago. All the questions of "How can you not realize that what you did and how you treated me was shameful?" "How can you just disappear without a word and not even apologize?" "How can you feed someone hope without being honest with them?". It's like a version of her that I don't even recognize, that she just wears the face of the girl I started to have feelings for and does everything that she hated in others. After that trigger, the discomfort started building up, to the point where I dreamed I expressed my emotions to her fully, and saw her crying out of shame. Then I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep.
I'm so conflicted about it inside of me. I have so much resentment for her, but at the same time even though I was treated like that I still want her like hell. It's not like I consider reaching out, there's no way I do any kind of communication on my own. But even though it seems like wishful thinking, I just pray to God for a win, you know? An actual chance to experience what my heart wants.
Felt the need to express my thoughts. Sorry if it's kind of too much.
For the duration of 2024, I was talking with a certain someone. At first, It was like the girl was (or is) the person I was looking for in terms of personality. It's actually one of the few times that the first thing I saw wasn't the looks. Due to distance, we started talking frequently. She wouldn't open up a lot at first, but as the months passed by we started being closer. She was genuine, honest, funny, I tried to be there in the low moments, and she was trying to be in my lows too. We reached a point where considering the circumstances the momentum was great. God the times I said that I can't wait for the holidays to arrive, because I want to see her when she's going to be in her hometown. Even when she seemed distant at times, asking her what was going on led to an honest discussion... until the beginning of November.
She suddenly started being distant, disappearing, not replying to texts. At some point, I was just furious about it and stopped trying. But after a month I couldn't handle the silence, so I reached out. The coldness and distance were there and I still didn't know why, she made it seem like nothing was wrong. I asked her if I was going to see her in the holidays because I already planned the trip. Again, not direct words. Went there. Never saw her, in fact I went there, so she could leave for another city, potentially because she is interested in someone else. I was crushed. My heart couldn't handle it, because I couldn't understand what was going on or why. I couldn't handle the unfairness, the "betrayal", the lack of honesty. I wanted to cry like hell, but I couldn't because I was with friends. Basically, I ruined the trip for them due to my mood. The only thing that I was thinking was that I wanted to go back to my home. And when I did, the moment I entered my room, I was crying for two days straight because I needed the pain to go away, I wanted to feel physically relaxed.
New year came, went outside, looked at the sky and the stars, tried to take it in and swore to myself that things will change. I also discussed it with my therapist, and we both agreed that I need to focus and work on myself, and that then things will work out.
It's been two months since we last talked. I saw a story of hers on her social media referencing something about the city where the new dude is from, and I got triggered all over again, because my mind automatically realized that she will visit Greece soon. All that pain came to mind, but not in the amount that I experienced two months ago. All the questions of "How can you not realize that what you did and how you treated me was shameful?" "How can you just disappear without a word and not even apologize?" "How can you feed someone hope without being honest with them?". It's like a version of her that I don't even recognize, that she just wears the face of the girl I started to have feelings for and does everything that she hated in others. After that trigger, the discomfort started building up, to the point where I dreamed I expressed my emotions to her fully, and saw her crying out of shame. Then I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep.
I'm so conflicted about it inside of me. I have so much resentment for her, but at the same time even though I was treated like that I still want her like hell. It's not like I consider reaching out, there's no way I do any kind of communication on my own. But even though it seems like wishful thinking, I just pray to God for a win, you know? An actual chance to experience what my heart wants.
Felt the need to express my thoughts. Sorry if it's kind of too much.
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