The Forever Journey

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
Hi, all!

I've been overweight for as long as I can remember, childhood included. In 2016, my weight skyrocketed out of control, and by 2018, I reached my highest recorded weight: 331 pounds. Given that I'm a 5'0" female with no muscle to speak of, this was insane.

One day, I decided to try giving weight loss a go. This was in September of 2018. At this point, my weight had already gone down a bit to 322 pounds (without trying). I started counting my calories, going on short walks, and one year later, I had lost over 90 pounds.

Then 2020 happened. I fell behind. Started gaining all that weight back, reached 300 pounds again. Throughout 2020 - early 2022, I would sometimes try to lose weight again, but it never lasted. But in April of 2022, I rejoined Darebee (having only used it very briefly in 2019), and things have been going better for me. I'm no longer counting my calories, but I am exercising when I can, trying to eat less junk food, wanting to be better and healthier. I'm more active in my day to day life, no longer living with an abusive person, and I am improving slowly as time goes on. I no longer feel like the future is hopeless, but I also know my journey is going to take a lot. It won't be easy.

My original Darebee thread from April of 2022 can be found here. Exercising and eating healthier has played a much bigger impact on my mood and emotion regulation than I could have ever imagined. I must remember this, and remember to exercise and eat right, especially when I'm feeling down.

As of writing this post (9/23/22), I currently weigh 269 pounds. 260 is an important number for me -- for some reason, back in the day, that was the number that made me go "Oh crap, my weight is out of control." It was the weight that made me feel truly fat. And when I got under 260 pounds back in 2019, it made me quite happy. But when I regained that weight in 2020, it just devastated me. Before then, I'd still clung on to some hope that I could change things around, but once I passed 260 I just completely gave up on everything and felt horrible about my life.

One of my biggest challenges in terms of exercise is that I have ankylosing spondylitis. I found this out only a couple of months ago. It makes shoulder exercises extremely difficult, and I am quite stiff sometimes. So for shoulder exercises, I either have to take extra breaks or cheat. Hoping to start physical therapy for this soon, hope that helps me out. Another challenge I have is dealing with an undiagnosed illness which causes nausea and throwing up. It is mostly managed by a medication I take, but sometimes it still knocks me down and makes life difficult.

I believe I have food addiction, and that food addiction is real. I only recently came to terms with this, as I never thought that I ate food as a coping mechanism. But I wondered about it, and I realized that yeah, I do tend to reach for food when I'm not feeling well. Pop is my biggest enemy - once I start drinking it, I never drink water, and the pop dehydrates me and makes me want to eat far more food than I need. It's very, very difficult to let go of pop.

I hope to have a great time with you all. To enjoy exercising together. Let's get this bread.
long-weight-loss.png
 
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Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
My ankylosing spondylitis is flared up today, so I can't do today's AoS challenge because it is so shoulder-focused. Instead, I did Dexterity (lvl 2 + EC).

Want to exercise more, but I'm feeling very bleh right now. Last night, I at least went to the gym for a bit. Only 15 minutes on the treadmill + 10 minutes on the exercise bike, but better than nothing, and glad it gave me something to do. I'm not sure where all my energy went.

Weight: 267
 
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OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 183
The universe is targeting the raised metabolism of heavier people to fuel itself... that's why we're so worn out... because we are universe juice in itself and the universe is hungry!

On a less comedic note: I'm right there with you in feeling like all of my energy went bleh.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
Ah, I missed yesterday. I'd gotten no sleep two nights prior, then only 2 hours the night prior, my allergies were acting up horribly, and my undiagnosed illness was also at the moderate level (has only been mild the past month or so). Doing better today though.

AoS:CE - Day 16 complete!

Weight: 268.6
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
I have no excuse for not exercising yesterday other than that I didn't feel like it, lol.

Having a roughhhh morning today. Bathroom issues, throwing up globs and globs and globs of white foam, followed by dry heaving (seems I never mentioned my undiagnosed illness in my original post in this thread, will do that soon). Right shoulder gives me a spiked pain when I move in certain ways. I can't turn my head even slightly to the right without it hurting. Really bummed that I haven't started physical therapy for this yet. It won't happen until the week after October 18th, at the earliest. >: (


As far as the undiagnosed illness goes (one which causes constant nausea and occasional throwing up), I'm getting a gastric emptying test tomorrow.

AoS - Day 17 complete! - Thankfully, today's arm exercises didn't hurt me, and in fact the second exercise actually helped loosen some stiffness.

Weight: 265.2 Certain yet again that this isn't accurate. I haven't been counting, but I think like I've been eating in excess lately. Ate way more ice cream last night than I care to admit. Banged the scale around but it refused to show anything other than this number, so we'll roll with it.
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 183
If you were puking your guts out, I'd say that measure's accurate... From 268 to 265 and then back up isn't uncommon... You can have up to a 10lb range in the higher 200s and it would still be considered a normal fluctuation.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
My shoulder was even worse this morning, but got better as the day went on.
The gastric emptying test came back normal. I've had a lot of tests done that showed nothing, but this one I was certain would tell me what was wrong. It made me cry a little when I got the result that it was normal.

Aos - Day 18 complete

Bonus:
Went on a 25-minute walk in the morning (1 mile)
Then went on a hiking trail in the late afternoon for 60 minutes (also 1 mile), walking much slower as this was more just a lazy stroll to enjoy the new area

Weight: 265.6
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 183
It's so hard when the doctors don't have an answer for you... I have a daughter who gets sick to her stomach in the mornings... she also has panic attacks when she's too happy... Apparently, you CAN be too happy! We summed it up to a part of her anxiety. I also know that if your back is struggling from pain (usually, with alignment issues), your entire digestive tract goes haywire... and it's not something a doctor typically detects... or that's my experience with it. As horrible as it sounds, your vomiting may very well be as simple a case as "it was caused by shoulder pain". Whatever the case my be, I hope you discover it in good timing.
 

lofivelcro

Well-known member
Hunter from the sticks
Posts: 247
"Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today"
@OJJJEM it's fascinating how much the various parts of the body are connected. Your spine can be slightly out of whack and it messes up your complete digestive tract, you're right with that. I had a co-worker years ago who had everything checked, had tried some treatments for "diagnostic purposes" and in the end a physiotherapist he went to for something completely different found the cause in his back. He didn't even have back pain, which was all the weirder.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
It's so hard when the doctors don't have an answer for you... I have a daughter who gets sick to her stomach in the mornings... she also has panic attacks when she's too happy... Apparently, you CAN be too happy! We summed it up to a part of her anxiety. I also know that if your back is struggling from pain (usually, with alignment issues), your entire digestive tract goes haywire... and it's not something a doctor typically detects... or that's my experience with it. As horrible as it sounds, your vomiting may very well be as simple a case as "it was caused by shoulder pain". Whatever the case my be, I hope you discover it in good timing.

I do have my suspicions that it's related to the shoulder/back back (aka ankylosing spondylitis) --mostly because whenever my nausea is at its worst, my back also gets in severe pain too. Some doctors have suggested it may be caused by anxiety as well, but I always dismissed that as I can throw up and feel nauseous even when I'm in a good mood. But the other day, I was reading online that those with cyclical vomiting syndrome (which one doctor has suggested I may have, but I dismissed it) can be caused by excitement too. So it's interesting to hear your doctor struggles with something similar. I feel for her and what she's going through. I hope this doesn't come across bad, but I am glad you told me, it makes me feel a little less alone.

Thank you everyone else who has commented, I appreciate knowing others are here for me on Darebee :)

AoS - Day 19 complete

Weight: 265.8

Oh I am sorry for you. It is so frustrating to not be able to point what is wrong. Are they any other leads?

No, not really. Earlier this year, the doctors discovered I have gallstones, but they did a test that showed my gallbladder is behaving normally. My current doctor said we can explore the gallbladder thing if the gastric test came back normal, but she seems confident the gallbladder isn't the issue and is only going to try exploring it again for my sake. (At the time, I hadn't realized she was so confident, and after she explained it to me, I agree with her that the gallbladder probably isn't the issue.)

They've done pretty much everything, I think. Ultra sound, HIDA scan(for my gallbladder), CAT scan, gastric emptying test, extensive blood tests, an EKG even. I doubt there's much left out there to test for, so this is likely something I'll just have to live with.
 
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Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
Finally, my shoulder barely hurts anymore. I'm throwing up more than usual though, about 20 times today. (I used to throw up 100+ times a day, but it got reduced to less than 10 times a day on a bad day after I started taking Zofran. So 20 times when I'm using Zofran is quiteeee a lot.) Very odd. But I'm very glad that I feel better. Wasn't nauseous much at all today!

• AoS - Day 21 complete!
• Hiking - 2.5 miles

Weight: 266.8
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
AoS - Day 22 complete

Weight: Unknown, battery died in scale

Have you spoken to your doctor about being tested by an endocrinologist (hormone doctor)? It's just a thought, though, I'm likely grasping at straws.

Nope, I have not. Thank you for the suggestion!

That is a lot of vomiting. :(
Best wishes to you. Hopefully they can figure out what's going on. Sending healing vibes.

I should clarify that each time I throw up, it's a very small amount, just baby barfs!
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
AoS - Day 26 complete

Weight: 265.3

I'm not satisfied with my weight loss. I know slow and steady wins the race, but maybe I should start counting calories like I did back in 2019.

On the 10th, I decided to keep track of what I ate, but not check the calories until the end of the day so that it would help minimize me straying from my "natural" choices. I thought for sure I'd eaten about 2000 calories, but the results were surprising:

Breakfast: Carrot juice(90 calories), banana(110 calories), soy jerky (90 calories)
Total breakfast: 290

Lunch: 8-piece chicken nuggets from Chick-Fil-A (250 calories), fruit side(60 calories), medium diet lemonade(50 calories). Polynesian sauce(110 calories), honey mustard (50 calories)
Lunch total: 520

Dinner: rice+chicken+some veggies (unknown calories, guessing ~350 at the max), carrot juice(90 calories)
Dinner total: 440

Daily total: ~1300

But I don't think that was a typical day, I was feeling pretty depressed and not like eating. It's possible I also still ate less than usual just because I was aware I'd be counting it up at the end of the day. I feel bummed right now. I've lost about 26 pounds since April, but for someone of my weight, that's not a lot at all.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
I really appreciate all the positive support :)

AoS - Day 27 complete

Weight: 263.6

I'm feeling quite listless today, I don't feel excitement toward almost being at 260. It's been very hard to eat anything today. I've only eaten a peanut butter oat ball for breakfast and a banana for dinner. But not eating certainly won't help my mood. I'm going to take a shower and then force myself to eat a frozen TV dinner.

I have long since stopped mentioning when I "cheat" or take extra breaks during these exercises. But it's making me feel really bad today. The last exercise was to do arm circles for 2 minutes. I dropped my arms well over 5 times. I wish I knew if it was due to my extremely poor fitness level, my ankylosing spondylitis, or if I just suck and most other people in my position could do it, but I just lack the will. I feel like I'm not doing good enough, and I feel inferior. I'm starting to hate myself because of it. It's the lightest difficulty Darebeer offers. And so many of the other exercises I've done had descriptions like "this is for your off days" or "when you don't want to put in too much time" or things along those lines. It makes me feel terrible because I'm just not capable of doing the harder ones.

I know my mentality is the problem here, but it's still really hard.
 
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Montserrat

Well-known member
Rogue from The Netherlands
Posts: 179
Hey @Fitato!

I don't really feel like I'm in a position to give you advice, but I do want to give out some support. Hang in there!

:yas:

Programs that are easy for some people may be very hard for others. That is something not to be underestimated! Do what you can but don't be too hard on yourself. Just keep going.
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 183
It is you, but it's not you... in other words, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Listen to your body, movements with frequent breaks is better than breaking from too much movement. I hope you're taking supplements.
 

GentleOx

Well-known member
Warrior from Hong Kong
Posts: 122
I have long since stopped mentioning when I "cheat" or take extra breaks during these exercises. But it's making me feel really bad today. The last exercise was to do arm circles for 2 minutes. I dropped my arms well over 5 times. I wish I knew if it was due to my extremely poor fitness level, my ankylosing spondylitis, or if I just suck and most other people in my position could do it, but I just lack the will. I feel like I'm not doing good enough, and I feel inferior. I'm starting to hate myself because of it. It's the lightest difficulty Darebeer offers. And so many of the other exercises I've done had descriptions like "this is for your off days" or "when you don't want to put in too much time" or things along those lines. It makes me feel terrible because I'm just not capable of doing the harder ones.

I know my mentality is the problem here, but it's still really hard.
Some days we don't do our best. Maybe we eat too much, or don't sleep well, or don't get in enough of a workout. In other words, we fall down. But the important thing is that next time, we move forward, and improve a little. Best of luck to you.
 

aku-chan

Well-known member
Mage from United Kingdom
Posts: 112
I have long since stopped mentioning when I "cheat" or take extra breaks during these exercises. But it's making me feel really bad today. The last exercise was to do arm circles for 2 minutes. I dropped my arms well over 5 times. I wish I knew if it was due to my extremely poor fitness level, my ankylosing spondylitis, or if I just suck and most other people in my position could do it, but I just lack the will. I feel like I'm not doing good enough, and I feel inferior. I'm starting to hate myself because of it. It's the lightest difficulty Darebeer offers. And so many of the other exercises I've done had descriptions like "this is for your off days" or "when you don't want to put in too much time" or things along those lines. It makes me feel terrible because I'm just not capable of doing the harder ones.

I often find workouts and exercises that are harder than it's level or description implies (Yesterday it was Archers). As long as you don't give up, I don't think it matters if you have to adjust the difficulty level a bit.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
I appreciate it so much, everyone. I'm grateful for Darebee and for its members. I need to take a step back and remind myself that just because I have negative thoughts, that doesn't make them true. Doing exercises with adjustments is better than not doing it at all. I don't know why I am tying my worth as a human being to my exercise capabilities. The outside perspectives help.

@OJJJEM - My doctor prescribed me vitamin A, but other than that, I am not and have not considered taking supplements. My doctor said your vitamin A levels are supposed to be around 20-50, and mine is at 9 :confused:

_____________________________________________________________​
I aggressively slammed my foot in the wall a few days ago. Couldn't even walk that first night, literally had to crawl to the bathroom and kitchen. Doing much better now, but my toes are still swollen, so not going to risk trying to hike. Very bummed though, I was on such a hiking kick. Maybe tomorrow they'll be healed enough to walk for a bit? :( I'm so excited to get back into my newfound addiction haha.

AoS - Day 28 complete!
Weight: Unknown, battery went goodbye again. Now, should I buy new batteries, or just buy a new scale that doesn't need batteries...Lol
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 68
"Hello"
I'm almost done with Arms of Steel: Chair Edition (again!) Feels pretty nice. There aren't many other arm-focused programs/challenges that I am capable of doing physically. So I'm going to come up with my own "program" for when I'm done with AoS, and I'll see how this goes!

Here is what I am thinking:

• Mondays: Magician (will replace the raised arm circles with arm holds)
• Tuesdays: Free to choose
• Wednesdays: Merlin
• Thursdays: No Wrong Answers
• Fridays: Dexterity
• Saturdays: Stronger Arms
• Sundays: Free to choose

I imagine I may have to make some adjustments once I actually try it out. We'll see!

I'll also start the Good Morning, World! Challenge. Step jacks instead of jumping jacks.
 

Fremen

Well-known member
Mercenary from Italy
Posts: 493
"“Keep an eye on the staircases. They like to change.” Percy Weasley, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone."
Congrats :worried:
 
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