The Forever Journey

Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Wow. A full year passed just like that. It's really been that long since I used to be active on Darebee? I miss being here. I miss losing weight and exercising, in feeling good and being able to share my success and see other people succeed.

It's so difficult for me to be consistent. I'll manage to pull myself together for a few days, then the depression comes back in full force, and suddenly nothing matters to me anymore. It suddenly feels like nothing is worth trying.

But I'm here again, because once again I am feeling some type of drive to get myself out of the funk. I notice such a big difference in how I feel when I eat healthier food. My brain is less foggy. But as soon as I eat greasy food, I literally feel my body shifting into this weird "heavy" state! I honestly don't know why it's such a notable difference, but my best guess is it's because my gallbladder is gone?

Anyway...I'll be attending a yoga class this evening. I went to yoga for the first time last month, there was a free session at the library. They do this to advertise their yoga studio, and I gotta say, the advertisement worked lol. I really enjoyed the session.

I think I'll try to go on a short walk today, too. But when I think about actually doing it, I feel my body tense up in protest. I don't know why.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
The yoga teacher is really nice! And do are the other attendees. I made the right decision by signing up for it, and I can't wait to make it a regular part of my life.

Went to Chicago with my boyfriend to meet some of his family for Christmas. We walked around so much on Christmas eve, it was insane! We walked and explored from 10am to 4pm. Guys, I'm st a staggering 290 pounds right now, but I managed to walk for that many hours, and we had such a great time! I'm so glad and grateful that I was able to do so much, even if that final flight of stairs left me huffing and puffing lol
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Adding First Thing Water into the mix. I tried doing this around 2 years ago, but back then I had gallstones, and if I drank too fast, I'd throw up. But my gallbladder is removed now, and I can drink faster now. So we'll try it again!

~

Power Grip - day 2 complete
Water - day 1 complete

Hiking - 40 minutes (1.3 miles supposedly, but I don't trust my app)

Weight: 288.9
 
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Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
My legs are feeling the ache from yesterday's hike. They didn't ache from Chicago, but I guess going uphill and faster for 40 minutes leads to more aches than walking on flat ground slowly for 5 hours, lol. Perhaps my legs also had not fully recovered from walking in Chicago, but who knows!

I am grateful to have cleaning, running hot water. A shower helped my legs feel much better. Yay!

Power Grip - Day 3 complete!
First Thing Water - Day 2 complete!

Weight: 287

~~

Germanamazon said:
Hi
I am looking forward to reading in on your successes. I read your first page of this check in thread, and the last, will read the middle in due time.
Just want to say from one A.S. rebel to another, we can do this!
Click to expand...

:hi:

Thank you. It's nice to meet you, and I am happy that you will be following me along :)
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
I've had 1400 calories per day for the past 3 days, and I guess that may have been a little too extreme! I had a headache that lasted for 10 hours yesterday, and this morning I feel like my energy is drained. But I am taking my mom out to dinner tonight for late Christmas, so today will be a ~2000 calorie day for me. Going forward, I think I will change to aiming for 1800-2000 calories per day. I think that may be an easier change on my straining blubbery body. My current TDEE is a staggering 2300 calories.

Power Grip - Day 4 complete
First Thing Water - Day 3 complete (Drank lemonade-flavored water. I'm trying to stick to pure water only for this challenge, but this was already on the desk from last night)

Weight: 284.6
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Germanamazon said:
Oh man 1400 calories is so freakishly low. No wonder you had a splitting headache. Please use a calorie calculator if you really want to track calories and at leat check what your BMR is. Don't go any lower than that.
Click to expand...

I am okay. I am 5'0", so 1400 isn't as freakishly low as it would be for most people. But, it was too drastic of a change based on my usual caloric intake. I need to let my body adjust to calorie changes more slowly. I am feeling much better today after adding more calories in!

Power Grip - Day 5 complete
First Thing Water - Day 4 complete

Weight: 286.5
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Power Grip - Day 6 complete
First Thing Water - Day 5 complete

Weight: 287.5

~

Weight fluctuations are so interesting! Mine are always huge. I'm still in a calorie deficiet, but the scale is 3 pounds higher likely due to my body retaining water. It tends to retain water a lot at the very beginning of any new weight loss attempts I make. Then once it passes, I'll suddenly drop like 5 pounds in two days lol.

I have also been VERY thirsty today and yesterday (and maybe the day before that). My water intake has gone up a lot. I guess I was getting a lot of my water from food in the past, and now that I'm eating less, I need to make up for it in its ~pure water form~.

:watermelon:
 
Germanamazon

Germanamazon

Well-known member
Warrior from Germany
Posts: 198
@Fitato I think the term "fallen off the wagen" is contra productive. Personally I like using something more positive. That doesn't have the stigma of I failed attatched to it. Like "I am reevaluating my workout plan so it fits better to my lifestyle", "I took more consecutive rest days", "I did more self care".
Doing things for oneself is a thing we need to relearn. We need the exercise and good nutrition to feel really good in our bodies. But we have usually prioritized other things and people before ourselves that we have to relearn that we need to do it the other way around.
You didn't fall of anything in my opinion. You are learning to prioritize yourself again and that takes some time.
 

OJJJEM

Guest
I used to say, "I have issues," a lot. Now, I say, "I'm going/working through a process right now." I can attest to the above statement. Personally, I've never had a problem with "fallen off the wagon" because I come from a long line of cowboys, and when you fall, you get back up, howbeit a bit bruised and battered. HAHAHA! But yes, words have power, and your biggest conflict has not been in whether or not you keep up with a routine, but has been in loving yourself. So, choose the words you say about your strivings and your struggles carefully during this time in your life, and I promise you, they will guide you out of self-shaming. Remember, you are loved and cherished.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
@Germanamazon Thank you. You are helping me see that I do not need to punish myself for my failures, as I often do. My brain feels fuzzy, so I am taking it easy to prevent feeling overwhelmed.

@OJJEM I'm grateful to have had you here with me throughought my time on Darebee. You may not know it, but you have had an impact on my life - I feel seen and heard by you, and I feel our journeys share many similarities. Keep being you, please :heart:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
I tried to go on a short walk yesterday - 15 minutes is what I had in mind. But it was really, really tough. I remember spending 2 hours thinking about doing it, fighting with myself in my mind about how it's "not good enough" vs "it's better than nothing, it's still progress". I finally started to get dressed. I thought if I just did that, it'd make the rest of the battle easier.
But I thought about how far away my preferred hiking spot is - 20 minutes one way. I didn't want to spend 40 minuites driving for a 15 minute hike, but my weight gain and low activity made it difficult to mentally commit to more than that. I spent a long time trying to find hiking spots closer to me, but I ended up getting anxiety over the thought of these new places - what if this was just a normal park with no trail? What if there were no trees, so people could see me walking? What if...

I tried to psyche myself to go outside and walk around the neighborhood, but that gave me a weird sense of fear that I couldn't shake.

I ended up just doing a slight jog around the house for 2 minutes before the "this is useless" thought clouded my mind.

There's no real point in this story, if you want to call it a story. Just thought I had nothing to lose by sharing it, I guess. The positive in this situation is that I know it's temporary. Despite my frequent depressive episodes, I do always eventually get a break and can get back into hiking and weight loss, in hobbies and finding communities.
 

OJJJEM

Guest
Fitato said:
I ended up just doing a slight jog around the house for 2 minutes before the "this is useless" thought clouded my mind.
Click to expand...
I want you to know that it's not useless. Sitting on your butt, paralyzed by perfectionism is useless. It does you no good. If you did nothing else, you jogged a couple of laps around your house. That's great! I'm currently in a position where I'm losing mobility and my mental functions. You work with what you have, and getting up to do something showed me that you did JUST THAT! It wasn't useless or pointless... You did something, and if you did nothing else, that's your accomplishment for the day.
*hugs*
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
I went to yoga tonight! I'm so proud of myself. Yesterday I couldn't even go for a 15 minute walk, but today, despite how difficult it was (and that I did originally cancel the class), I managed to go at the very last second. Rushed to the class and got there just 2 minute before it started.

I felt amazing afterwards, for about 20 minutes. The depression came back after that, but that's 20 minutes of relief (+60 minutes of the session) where things were better, so I guess that's better than not having those minute of relief.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Hii againnn. It's been a month. I just completed the 4th day of the Vitality program. I haven't lost weight yet, but I'm eating healthier, and I think I'm starting to feel the difference. Could very well also be the new antidepressant I started.

I wish I could speed up my progress. Like if I just tried hard enough, I could go climb mountains and do parkour and do a half marathon. Not sure I'd ever be able to do parkour, but the other two are things I'd really love to do that I think I could realistically in a few years. But why can't it be tomorrow! Even when doing Vitality, I am shocked at just how heavy my arms how, how much weight there is now. (295 pounds).

One thing I remember is that any time I start to lose weight, it comes off very fast at first, so hopefully that reduces the difficulty of the exercises sooner rather than later!
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 6 done. Just some stretches on this day. Good! I was feeling really bad this morning, and was glad to get a gentle task. I am enjoying the vitality program!

I suspect my new medication is why I've been feeling weak and just not myself. I just used my massager though and I think that kind of helped?? Or maybe it's because I've been sitting down for over an hour. The weakness/faint feeling comes back when I walk around!
I think side effects can last 2-3 weeks. Really hope I'm lucky and it goes away sooner than that. Though I guess I'm already halfway done, one more week wouldn't be the end of the world.

I had a good Valentine's Day yesterday. My boyfriend took me to a fancy restaurant. I've never been taken to a restaurant that fancy, so I was blushing and couldn't stop smiling. I also made him a video game! I bought RPG maker a few weeks ago, and I spent about 13.5 hours making him a game. The game was that my boyfriend wakes up and sees that one of our cats is gone. He has to collect sword shards and then give them to me and I make a sword out of them. Then he goes and defeats the monster that took our cat.

It was very fun to make the video game. He laughed so hard when started the game and saw his bald self as a character. I'm glad I had something to motivate me to make a game. I need more special occasions to motivate me for more games, lol. Maybe next, I'll make my best friend a video game about her becoming a teacher (as she is currently doing IRL).
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 9 complete
Micro Walk + Extra Credit (EC)

Weight: 292.5

With how rapidly my weight had been climbing, I am grateful to see it go down a little. I had gotten up to 298 at some point, which was very hard on me emotionally. I realized, recently, that every time I've lost weight successfully, it started with exercise. Back in 2018, I was doing 15 minute walks a few times a week, and then the calorie counting and weight loss came. I bring myself a lot of shame when it concerns my eating habits. It's something that's very difficult for me to control--the desire to eat feels overwhelming, a way to cope.

But exercising feels easier, and it's certainly better than doing nothing. I am hopeful that with consistent exercise, with building muscle and doing cardio, it will soon be easier for me to get ahold of my eating habits too.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
I already added a bonus workout today, the micro walk, but I wanted more! My body has energy it just needs to get out!

So, I just did 3-Minute Wake Up! Wow, I love this exercise. I can't fully jump, just kind of like half jumped for some of those, but this really got me going! So much fun!! It's my new favorite Darebee workout. I'm definitely going to try to do this one at least once a week and see how much easier it becomes over time - I couldn't even do one proper jumping jack. I'm certain in a month's time, I'll be able to do 10.

@Mamatigerj Thank you! I like that quote :up:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 10 complete!

Wow. I'm 1/3rd of the way done with the program. This is the furthest I've gotten into a program since December 2023 (I checked, lol). I feel so good, so happy that I've found a rhythm after over a year of new attempts. It's not over yet - but I will be so happy when day 30 comes. I already have an idea in mind what program I'll do next!

:shine:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
My right arm is pretty sore today, so I'm going to take a rest day. Hopefully I'll be able to resume vitality tomorrow!

Weight: 291.1 - So glad to see it going down. I felt such a big shift around 270 pounds, and it only got worse from there. I am looking forward to being able to move easier and get more done when I lose more weight.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 12 complete

The antidepressant seems to be wearing off. I feel down and am having bad thoughts. This us the same thing that happened with the last 2 antidepressants, they helped for a couple of weeks and then just stopped working, even when the dosage was increased.

I'll keep taking it for another month and see what happens. I feel hopeless. I thought I'd finally found an answer, an end. I feel like I'll never escape this darkness.
 
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FlowersandPetals

Guest
What about your diet? Are you eating healthy? If it's sunny, get outside (even if it's cold) or sit near a sunny window for some Vitamin D.
Other than those, yes please call your doctor about this. Or maybe get tested to see if something is causing you to become so depressed. :hug:
 
Laura Rainbow Dragon

Laura Rainbow Dragon

Moderator
Bard from Canada
Posts: 4,581
"Striving to be the change."

Moderator
@Fitato I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I am definitely not an expert on pharmacological treatments for mental health. But I will second others' requests here that you please reach out for help sooner rather than later.
None of us knows what resources are/are not available to you, or how good your doctor/medical care team is/are at listening. But I do know your health is worth fighting for.

:vibes: :hug:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 13 & 14 complete
Hiking - 10 minutes

Weight: 291.9

~ ~

I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's parents' house. We dropped the cats off. They will watch them for a month while we get the carpet removed here and new flooring installed.
They have stairs, and I had to go up and down quite a lot. So, I wanted to walk for 20 minutes or so, but my legs were immediately sore going up the steep hill I'd begun my ascent on. (And it was muddy!)

So, unfortunately, I cut the walk short in order to let my legs rest and not interfere with the vitality program's leg days. But, I am actually glad/happy that my legs were sore, it tells me the stairs served to help build up some leg muscle!

I also ate a lot this weekend, as my bf's parents took us to a restaurant and also had really delicious treats and homemade food. Glad to see my weight hasn't skyrocketed aftert that; hopefully it'll go down a bit in the coming days.

Thank you everyone for your concern, but I don't feel I need to see a doctor right now. I've been through this enough times and know what they are going to say. Either to give it more time or increase the dose. I'll give it more time on my own and then talk to them if I feel I need something different. At least the weakness and faint feeling from the medication has wore off now.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 573
"Hello"
Vitality - Day 15 complete

I didn't do Vitality yesterday. I spent all day at my mom's, and stayed the night. Today was a really bad day...Bad things happened...I knew today was an easy day for vitality, but I just wanted to stay in bed, not move, not eat, not do anything...I've had no energy today, because the things that happened today were depressing...

But I made myself do vitality anyway. I didn't want to fall into a habit of "not feeling like it". So I am glad I did, and again, I am grateful it was an easy day. The easy days always seem to happen when I need them the most. Does Darebee predict the future?

I think the antidepressant is working still after all...I was very late on my dose today, and I had a bad breakdown. I feel much better now that the medicine is in my system...
 
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