Fires of Unknown Origin

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
Thank you everyone! :)

@CODawn Coach Angela is a listener first and foremost. Getting matched to her was the equivalent of a trust fall, yes. And it did take her three sessions to fully lower my guard. But understood faster than…well, anyone, that bigger problems were happening under the hood and trusted her judgment. I’m counting my lucky stars to have her.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
Thank you @Mamatigerj :)

July 16, 2023

Notes

I was feeling pretty spacey today, as were my parents who I paid a visit to last night. There were some pretty strong thunderstorms in the area today, and for much of the morning and afternoon parts of the region were under tornado watches and warnings, which is rare for New England. About the only help that I could offer was inflating summer decor for mother's front porch.

My dad has a style of air pump that can apparently inflate both pushing the plunger down and raising it back up. To me it defied all logic, so I couldn't stop looking at the thing work its magic. He eventually noticed and had me try the device. I tried it sitting at first, like he had been doing, but the motion became difficult after a few pumps. He asked me if I wanted to be relieved, but I had a different idea. The problem was leverage. Most people use pumps of this style standing up for a reason. So I got up on my feet and continued pumping. The process did indeed improve significantly, and within 15 minutes mother had three large inflatables ready to roll on her front porch.

Otherwise not much was actually done save for combing through the rubble of good ideas done bad for the umpteenth time -- can you say Dumb David Tricks? -- and looking for reasons to hope going forward. The search didn't take long. The safe space here did indeed prove safe which allowed for the quiet vent (ding!), a question to the help desk led to options to consider for the next program conquest (ding!), and as I mentioned yesterday I'm not betting against Coach Angela uncovering something that would make baby step goals realistic for once in my life (ding!).

And that probably isn't all of them because with some more exploration and thought a patchwork plan of attack could still be put together to bring the hunger and satiation cues back, which is what I would really like to see happen. Maybe not in the way I would have liked to see it happen, but when you learn differently as I do, locating the right people can sometimes amount to a game of hide-and-go-seek from hell (you don't want to know how many professionals I went through before Coach Angela proved to be a match). It's probably time to stop looking for the unicorns and rebuild with the resources available right now.

Song of the Day: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- Learning to Fly
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 17, 2023

Half an hour of sweeping pebbles and what not that found their way to the sidewalk at my parents’ after yesterday’s rain.

Notes

This was a misfire. Setting reasonable targets for workouts, etc., seems to be a difficult thing for my brain to handle. Full disclosure is needed for the bees here: I’m on the autism spectrum, Asperger’s Syndrome specifically. I can function, but I learn differently (and I have a suspicion that the team at 1P was not prepared for someone who isn’t neurotypical, but what’s done is done there) which can make things challenging to grasp.

But these problems with goal setting need to be nipped in the bud. I had warned my life coach that I might have to email my talking point this week because it felt like I had so much to say about my weakness with goal setting. She said that was okay, knowing (correctly) that I was just going to leave my thoughts there and she could look at it on her own time.

As far as programs here goes, it does look like Vitality and Baseline are the next two targets. That will help a little. But as far as restoring my hunger and satiation cues goes…well, good luck to me. I’ll need it.

Song of the Day: Heart — Alone
 

Tileenah

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Warrior from France
Posts: 1,963
Oooooh that's probably why you struggle so much with hunger and satiation cues ! My best friend is on the autism spectrum and she struggles not with hunger but with thirst cues. She has a routine but if there are changes in her environment she can just forget for days in a row... Then feel really depressed and tired and at some point she'll drink a ton and then feel better.
:gogogo:best of luck on your journey to find a way to know when you are hungry and when you aren't !
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 18, 2023

Vitality Day 1


20 side jacks, 20 backwards leg raises (both legs), 20 side leg raises (both legs); 3 sets

Notes

The first observation is that I can see myself doing the Vitality program multiple times. I sure feel a lot older than my 44 1/2 years on Earth. This workout, though...it definitely exposed how much my balance has been compromised in the last year or so. The side jacks were okay but I basically had a death grip going on my chair for the last set of leg raises.

Intake today was a struggle again. Setting realistic targets continues to evade my mess of a brain (see yesterday's post for a bug clue as to why...thank you for recognizing that it does make things harder @Tileenah). Coach Angela is trying to set up what would be the equivalent of a private goal-setting workshop with me this week, and while I'm not betting against her because she's one of the few people I trust, she's also going to have her work cut out for her because I am not having an easy time communicating exactly what I want to work on. Having no concept of goal setting will do that.

At work, a new running joke is going around. Apparently one of my managers wants to put a bronze plaque with my name on it on the express checkout line. I know she's being sarcastic -- that kind of stuff is usually reserved for people six feet under -- but in another sense she may have a point: I work the express lane more often than not because I went on record last year that if nobody else would work that line, I would. The only real difference between an express and a "normal" line is the size of the orders involved. The tacks don't change much otherwise.

Later in the shift I found out by accident that one of my colleagues is tendering his resignation tomorrow. Clueless as to what to say to him -- and also not surprised as retail is a high-turnover occupation, absolutely not for everyone -- I just kept my mouth shut and waited on him without incident about 10 minutes later. It's enough right now to try to focus on what I need to do. One foot in front of the other, somehow, some way.

Song of the Day: Ace of Base -- Living in Danger
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 19, 2023

About 45-50 minutes -- guesstimated -- of walking activity between commute to and from work, vacuuming and washing the floor of my apartment.

Notes

Today was an emotional tester. I tried going to a coffee hour that is an almost daily thing in my apartment complex (Friday is the only day it doesn't happen), only to have to walk away when one of the residents got a little TMI with her physical ailments. I don't want to go into details on that one.

Then...I knew it was coming, but somehow in my heart I thought the fellow cashier I told you all about yesterday was going to change his mind after an extra night to sleep on it. He didn't. He made his resignation official this afternoon, and while I was no position to make him reconsider -- I barely know him because we pretty much work opposite shifts -- seeing someone actually resign their post still gave my heart a shock. Usually -- and preferably -- it happens behind my back.

Intake was another disaster -- Dumb David Tricks strike again -- but at least this I had Coach Angela's empathy. She understood that without baby step goals that make any sense, this is only going to continue. The two of us have what amounts to a private workshop (for my purposes, anyway) on Friday night. I'll probably have questions for her as we work on this, but she knows who she's dealing with. I wouldn't bet against her if I were you.

Tomorrow starts as a day off, so if no call comes in I may try to do some grocery shopping. Or not. Things feel scary tonight. I'll probably feel better after I've caught a few extra winks. Suffice it to say the other residents who populate coffee hour can have it to themselves tomorrow.

Song of the Day: Ace of Base -- Don't Turn Around
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 21, 2023

Notes

The last couple of days have been emotionally uneasy. I’ve been struggling with nightmares, most of them of the feeling fat variety…which explains why my intake has gone south accordingly.

Yesterday I made the mistake of going grocery shopping. It was a mistake because I was getting clear signals from my heart that it would be better to wait a few days until Coach Angela’s goal-setting work has had a chance to stick (if anyone can teach me that without needing to use a whiteboard, it’s her). I ignored it and went anyway. After about an hour on my feet — plenty of walking involved — my bad side began to protest, making last night at least as hard as the night before.

My work shift got moved up 45 minutes tomorrow. I could care less because all I really want to do tomorrow is do laundry at my apartment and entertain my brother-in-law for dinner, but after a couple of days of only five hours of sleep I could have stood to sleep in tomorrow morning. That won’t happen now. FML.

Song of the Day: The Offspring — Kick Him When He’s Down
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 23, 2023

About a half hour of walking. Day was blown up quickly by having to take a Sunday shift combined with bad headspace. See below.

Notes

So…taking the Sunday shift wasn’t the problem. I’ll do it on occasion. The problem happened the day before. I was emotionally exhausted last night and settled for crashing ASAP.

My store is doing fundraising, as they do several times a year. This time around it’s for Boston Children’s Hospital, a decent cause that I have already contributed to and will again this week. To attract additional attention, corporate has been having the stores do some additional activities.

On Friday they had a cookout, and for a US $5 donation you could get a burger or hot dog grilled. That one I wanted to participate in but couldn’t. My break didn’t align with when the cookout was taking place, and by the time I got off it was over.

Yesterday, however, my store crossed a line. For that same $5 US donation, any associate or customer could throw a pie right into the face of the store director or associate store director, or both for a donation of US $10.

My immediate manager did it, and somebody filmed her so she could show me. I was horrified and buried my face in my hands on my line. It was only a whipped cream pie so no damage could be done, but I considered it a very low blow to commit what I considered to be getting even with a supermarket that was kind enough to take a chance on me, when there was nothing to get even for. Nothing.

I also felt it was unprofessional and something that only belongs in the circus.

Refusing to throw a pie, I protested the whole thing by saying, “Can’t corporate come up with something more intelligent than this?” To the manager who showed me her footage, I said, “I’m moving to a small island somewhere”. I’m not actually going to do that, but I felt hurt because the professional environment I rely on for my sanity had been violated.

I showed up for my shift at noontime with smoke still coming out my ears, and everybody knew that a single peep about the pie throwing would draw a nasty response. So they did the right thing: The CSR (customer service rep) in charge simply gave me my lane assignment and then left me to my own devices. No further assistance was needed, but I still found myself venting to anyone who I thought would listen and at least other two other customers also felt it was a low blow.

Song of the Day: Frida — I Know There’s Something Going On
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 25, 2023

Vitality Day 2


20 shoulder taps, 20 side shoulder taps, 20 arm extensions, 20 bicep extensions; 3 sets

Also about 20 minutes of walking and some extracurricular activity with my bed at my parents' across town. Not only did the beam I hammered in a week ago come loose again, the nail was so bent it was unsalvageable. After attempts to loose the nail came to nothing, I finally stole two of my dad's larger cable ties -- he has like 700 of them, literally -- and secured the beam using those. Doing that and moving/replacing the mattress and box spring again without hurting myself was a small miracle even if it was just a matter of patience and proceeding slowly.

Notes

Yesterday I was still aflame over Saturday's pie-throwing escapades, and only after I let my immediate boss have it did the storm finally die down.

"I don't want to see that happening again this year!" I snapped at her.

"Why not? I thought it was fun to pie my boss."

"Michelle, looks like our standards of professionalism don't align."

That ended the conversation. Michelle knew I wasn't threatening to walk and I have no plans to. But I had gone on record demanding to know who in corporate authorized this shenanigan and in effect I was filing a formal complaint about it. There are better ways to raise money for Boston's Children's Hospital that won't make us look like fools, I was essentially telling her. Go find them. The cookout we did outside the produce entrance was good. This wasn't.

She had nothing else to say and no more was said about it, by anyone. And I waited until somebody who I knew was innocent of the whole thing (not even on the floor that afternoon) was working the customer service desk after my shift before I asked if I could get a bus pass for August (she helped out on that one).

Later in the same shift the electronic scale on the express lane broke...technology, bah humbug! We had to shut my lane down, and I moved over one lane to one of the regular lines. I made it an express lane for just long enough to clear the line that had built. Then I turned the express light off and took orders of all sizes for the rest of the shift without incident. I don't get to work the regular lanes all that often so it felt like a lucky break to get a few hours handling bigger orders.

I had to pick up pills for my dad, so that's where the brief interlude at my parents' place comes into play. It was there this morning that I could feel my mattress drop a touch when I sat on it for a moment, and that was when that project started. It wasn't fun, and they're going to know what I did eventually (they were out for their own grocery shopping), but I can't really say that I care. My dad's in his seventies and his lower extremities are all but finished (he has nobody to blame but himself, but still), so I was not going to have him help with that, period.

Song of the Day: Doobie Brothers -- What a Fool Believes
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 26, 2023

Notes

Last night, after posting here, my body basically rejected my dinner (this is the euphemism for saying there was extracurricular activity in the toilet). Only now, 24 hours later, do I realize that I had drunk milk that had gone sour but didn't realize it. Down the drain that went.

But the damage was done. Before that point, I was afraid I had a bout of food poisoning and didn't bring a lunch to my six-hour shift at work. Things accordingly went south. It wasn't horrible, and I definitely wasn't grumpy, but I made some foolish mistakes -- Dumb David Tricks at work -- that would have been avoidable had I been at full strength.

Found some problems with goal setting by way of a worksheet my coach gave me. Well, okay, they don't feel like easy obstacles, but at least some problem spots were found. I get to work with her on Friday night, so there is that going for me.

It's curious that aside from the hiccups work shifts are going okay when I clearly felt anti-social in the apartment complex proper today (basically the only time I spent outside of my unit was for the work shift), but I do have this theory: Most of the people I see regularly are the gossip type. They'll twist around what you say if you aren't careful...and I wasn't feeling sharp enough to be careful today.

I'd like to be working out 4-5 times a week at a minimum, but this consistency thing I'm finding elusive. Part of me wants to go to the help desk, but I don't know how to phrase the query.

Song of the Day: Soundgarden -- Fell on Black Days
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 29, 2023

About 15 minutes walk up a gentle hill to my parents to help with stuff tomorrow...even this felt a bit much, see below.

Notes

This week fell apart in very short order. The last few nights have been dogged with panic attacks and subsequent nightmares.

On the face of it, you would think I took a baby step the other day. Once a week, on Thursday, there is a giveaway of food from the nearby Whole Foods Market of short-dated stuff that isn't going to sell. How this is coordinated with my apartment complex is not my business, but it is a thing: It tends to attract about 25-30 people without regularly.

Coach Angela, bless her heart, has been working with me on making my unit feel less like a jail cell recently (I don't really do a lot of socializing), and I thought this might be a step in that direction. This was my idea, not hers. It didn't quite work out that way. I did score some two small plastic tins of granola and a small loaf of bread, but I was basically hiding in the corner of the large community room where the giveaway takes place until my floor was called. To my relief, mine was called last...and the building's resident services coordinator was nearby to help (she had been kind enough to take questions from me the day before about how this thing was conducted).

Last night I compared notes with Coach Angela about it, and we discovered the following after she carefully probed about what happened:

1) When I do make appearances in the building with others, I usually have something I can use as a crutch...often one of my many puzzles, sometimes my Kindle. And I'm usually sitting away from others. That needs to change.

2) I don't want to be a social butterfly, but I'm not exactly taking much time for me because I'm either in my apartment, at work, or with my parents. This, too, isn't helping. Coach correctly noted that we need to be careful because anything with food involved, at the moment, is a possible land mine. I need something else involved, and it might have to start with going to quieter places alone.

3) We need to work on manageable small rewards for baby steps. Again, food isn't a good idea right now. That relationship with food is going to take some healing and little progress has been made there (thanks for nothing, 1st Phorm...I thought you people had the kind of listeners I needed).

Only after all that was I finally able to make a decent try at a good night's sleep last night, but when you've struggled for several nights in a row, it's going to take more than one to right the ship. Maybe if tonight goes okay, I'll be ready to try again.

Song of the Day: Missing Persons -- Destination Unknown
 

CODawn

Well-known member
Huntress from Colorado
Posts: 2,074
"Theres no easy way out. Theres no shortcut home"
Coach Angela is the best. Not sleeping sucks. I've struggled with sleep for most of my life...it just wears you down. I hope you can work it out soon.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
July 30, 2023

About 2 1/4 hours of various outdoor activity helping my parents, mostly of a yard work variety. We also barbecued a ham. No Darebee hit, but that wasn’t going to happen after this; see below.

Notes

The yard work mentioned above involved sweeping, clipping up trimmings and dead stalks, and a small amount of watering in parsley seeds (mother is not optimistic, but she took a shot at it anyway).

Most of this was done without my walking stick. It was a good day to test where I am, because for late July it was beautiful: 70s (Fahrenheit scale), not too humid, slight breeze.

The observations thereon left me feeling sad for a little bit afterward, though (which I fortunately got to spend to myself):

1) The movement capacity is limited. I outlasted my parents but should have quit half an hour sooner than I did, because while my bad side wasn’t screaming, it was clearly tired and there was no reasonable shot at coming back for more after lunch. Working a register at the supermarket and doing yard work at two different things.

2) The fatigue factor means I need to rethink any trips that I take for me, because there appears to be a limit to how much moving around I can do in a day. I was looking into a bowling establishment to possibly visit since I used to do that in happier days (candlepins), but then I see the length of the trip involved, even with public transit, and then discover in the heart of Boston’s notorious Combat Zone (an area of the city where murder rates have always outpaced other parts of the state), and that idea was blown to the moon in a heartbeat. There’s more research to do but I can already tell Coach Angela needs to be involved (@CODawn you’re absolutely correct, and my biggest regret is that I didn’t start looking for life coaches sooner. Everybody else was saying I needed therapy, and look what that got me…nothing.)

Sooooo, I have to focus on the little things are going okay right now even though they sound trite. I have a roof over my head. I have an employer who appreciates me and vice versa. I have a life coach to help untangle this mess. And at least I have a resource to try to improve my broken habits. Perhaps not the one I wanted, but it beats nothing at all.

Song of the Day: Glenn Frey — You Belong to the City
 

Mamatigerj

Well-known member
from COSprings/CentralTX
Pronouns: she/her
Posts: 1,981
Hugs for the difficult stuff, but
Sooooo, I have to focus on the little things are going okay right now even though they sound trite. I have a roof over my head. I have an employer who appreciates me and vice versa. I have a life coach to help untangle this mess. And at least I have a resource to try to improve my broken habits. Perhaps not the one I wanted, but it beats nothing at all.
Cheers for your focus!
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
@Mamatigerj I appreciate that, a lot.

July 31, 2023

Vitality Day 3


10 shoulder stretches, 10 shoulder shrugs, 10 tricep stretches, 10 hip rotations, 10 side bends, 10 core twists; 3 sets

Also some walking on the way back from work, about 25 minutes.

Notes

Trip back to my apartment had to wait a day when the antivirus software on my parents’ desktop computer basically stopped working (it wasn’t updating properly). An uninstall and reinstall took care of that problem, but by then I had to go to work so I couldn’t formally update it until a few minutes ago (as of when I am typing this). Fortunately my parents wanted to do their grocery shopping today, so they took care of transport this time, at least going to work anyway.

Intake was rough again today — only two meals — but in the real world only Coach Angela seems to understand that this is going to be a difficult solve because social interaction issues (read: I’m a distrusting person) are tied into this, limiting what we can practically do about it for now.

The workout was fine, although I feel like I messed the core twists and couldn’t figure out how or why. It’s probably better to say that I gave it my best shot since the video exercise library isn’t specific enough for my needs (and to be fair, asking the mods to redo them to include spoken guidance would be opening Pandora’s Box, a move that I would rather not risk).

At work, I was in rare form with the customers (good), but the insults were flying with my teammates (bad). To one who came in wearing a Lululemon headband, I said she looked like she was heading to a rehearsal for an ‘80s aerobics video (don’t be the first to ask me “what’s an aerobics video?”). She took that well, but damn, someday my mouth is going to get me creamed and I’ll have nobody to blame but me.

Working retail shifts when you’re having trouble filling holes in your self-care is challenging. But I have used all the affordable options I can think of so I need to work with what I have. It won’t win any awards and accepting that there’s no optimal route anymore isn’t clicking yet. But one foot in front of the other.

Song of the Day: Electric Light Orchestra — Sweet Talkin’ Woman
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 1, 2023

Vitality Day 4


10 step jacks, 10-count balance on left leg, 10 step jacks, 10-count balance on right leg; 3 sets

Also an hour and a half cutting down dead stalks in my parents’ Bishop weed (sometimes called goutweed).

Notes

Normally I’d spend more time in my apartment. But I know my parents are too fat and lazy — even for people in their seventies — to upkeep their own property. So I used the morning of an off day to assist with that.

Dad perhaps realized I was laying the guilt trip on him and tried to have me take down the dead stalks with a battery-powered hedge trimmer. I tried doing a couple with it and realized quickly that I was either going to mail his ground cover (bad) or take off my left hand (worse). I told him to put it back he got it from and used long clippers that can also grab instead. After a while those grabbers felt heavy, but they saved me a lot of bending which would have been problematic for my bad hip (my right). Taking down all the stocks was not possible because some still have flowers on them, so when I was finally told that’s enough for now, I simply agreed, gathered up the clippings, and walked away. Knowing my limits a little better now, I probably only would have only been good for about half an hour more. Most used work tasks are not conducive to having a walking stick around.

As for the workout, this was what it was. Short and sweet I know, but I absolutely cannot balance on my right leg. A chair assist had to be used because I had no other choice.

I will need to careful emotionally later this month. My late sister would have been 38 on the 19th had cancer not claimed her. Part of me is admittedly glad to be rid of her because she was even fatter than my parents which still interprets in my head as being horrible at self-care. But it could still hit me like a ton of bricks if I’m not careful…especially because her husband would be coming over for dinner that night if current pattern holds.

Song of the Day: Eagles — Lyin’ Eyes
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 2, 2023

Some 15 minutes of walking. Wanted to do day 5 of Vitality, but…

Notes


Today went south in short order. I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a steamroller. Maybe I slept in an odd position? I’ve been using the Slumber app to help lull me to sleep recently, and it has been helpful, but I can’t figure out why my left shoulder in particular felt off this morning. I took an acetaminophen because that doesn’t interact with my other meds, but the window to get the formal workout off disappeared before I felt okay.

There were also difficulties with feeling fat today. I tried to make a small sandwich for lunch only to end up staring at it during my break at work, basically forcing me to toss it. Fat is a feeling when what brought you the most joy (running) isn’t an option anymore.

A little help came from an unexpected source. One of the customers I waited on late in my shift was wearing a muscle shirt (it has no sleeves but otherwise fits like a normal shirt) that simply said, “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”

I told the customer that if I didn’t know any better I would have hugged her on the spot. I needed to see something like that. By then today was beyond saving, but let’s try again on the next.

Song of the Day: Pink Floyd — Hey You
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 6, 2023

Some 2 1/2 hours on my feet helping with various yard work for my parents. Didn’t finish, but my bad leg could take no more at that point and we threw it in after barbecuing some kielbasa and sausage for mother.

Notes

The less said about the last few days, the better. I had a couple of bad nightmares about becoming a beached whale and threw up a couple of times. That about covers it, I think.

My brother-in-law came over for dinner last night. He’s in a bad way because his late wife (my sister’s) birthday is later this month and he’s not letting on about how hard it is on him. I can tell because he looked scared the whole visit. We played a couple of board games on the Nintendo Wii version of Hasbro Family Game Night to a stalemate: He won decisively at Battleship and I just nipped him at Yahtzee.

Back in my neck of the woods I have logistics problems of my own. My mother’s birthday is Thursday, and I’m trying to convince her that at the very least I should spend a few hours with her Thursday evening to give her a present and wish her happy birthday (her 75th). She’s being unhelpful there. I’ll probably have to sleep on my tactics for that one.

Coach Angela is working with me after she had to reschedule Friday’s session in what was simply a bad break (her car broke down and needed a tow). I told her in response that I knew she doesn’t shift appointments for no good reason so it was okay…but also admitted that it would have helped to work with her. Problems with feeling like humanity is just no darn good have been keeping me from a LOT of activities of late.

Song of the Day: Journey — Who’s Crying Now
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 7, 2023

Vitality Day 5


20 clench/unclench, 20 arm scissors, 20 overhead clench/unclench, 20 W-extensions; 3 sets

Notes

I had to let my inner child do most of the talking with Coach Angela last night. Something inside it was bugging it really badly. But Coach Angela took the observations from what it spilled, probed appropriately, and uncovered a massive self-confidence problem...one that will take several sessions to work through. This does explain why I have trust issues seemingly everywhere IRL, so it was an important breakthrough. The work shift tomorrow is short, so I am going to have some time to do some additional "homework" (that's what we call it between the two of us) so we can start exploring this further on Friday.

This discovery needed to be made, and I would bet a healthy amount that none of the therapists I ever tried to work with would have been able to sniff that out. Sometimes, finding the right person means everything.

Wrapped my mother's birthday present today and got my wish: We're celebrating, albeit quietly, after I get off on Thursday. I feel better about that and am pretty sure her hubby rammed that down her throat. He's that kind of person. He confesses he's not very smart, but he got this one right.

As far as the workout goes, I felt kinda tense doing this one so probably could have been better than it ended up being. It wasn't for nothing -- those W-extensions are deceptive! -- but I was left wishing there was a fully explained video of this available because I had a hard time figuring out what went wrong with the fist clenching and unclenching. But at the same time, that's asking a bit much of the mods and I acknowledge this. They're probably flooded with suggestions for all that I know. It is what it is. Baby steps. Protecting what's left is likely the only realistic target available long-term anyway.

Song of the Day: Tennessee Ernie Ford -- Sixteen Tons
 

Lupus Sheol

Well-known member
Warrior Monk from USA
Posts: 60
This discovery needed to be made, and I would bet a healthy amount that none of the therapists I ever tried to work with would have been able to sniff that out. Sometimes, finding the right person means everything.
Yes, finding the right therapists take time and effort. That kind of relationship is very important and sometimes one of the most life altering (in a good way). Glad you find someone that can get you! Get the most out of it!
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 10, 2023

Notes

There hasn't been much to say the last few days. Kind way to put is I've fallen off the wagon for what feels like the millionth time. Haven't been eating or sleeping well.

Observed to Coach Angela in a text that I feel overwhelmed with what we have to work through after a mountain of problems were uncovered last week. Perhaps this is what's going on under the hood, because when the chips feel seriously down, everything seems to hurt on some level. She reassured me that we would start working through it tomorrow night, but needed to renege on what was originally a promised Zoom call. I responded by saying that since it would be really hard for me to "seed" the session anyway -- code for "we'll have to start probing immediately once we're on the phone" -- seeing her on camera wouldn't change much so a phone call would be fine.

My mother is quietly celebrating her 75th birthday today, and in about an hour (from the time I am typing this) I'll be going across town to give her my present and a card. I doubt she'll want to go out. Like me, she's not a fan of being the center of attention.

The trip there will probably be good for about 15 minutes of walking, but not much else will happen as the restriction demons have a strong hold on me right now.

Song of the Day: Madonna -- Borderline
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 11, 2023

Vitality Day 6


10 shoulder stretches, 10 single hip rotations, 10 calf raises, 10-count shoulders back, 10-count hamstring stretch (both sides), 10-count chest squeeze; 3 sets

Notes

It was a struggle at work. I finished the shift, but my headspace was not okay and a challenging start didn’t help. How I pulled the Darebee routine out of the hat, I don’t really know.

So the quiet moments off the supermarket floor yesterday went towards trying to start the healing process anew. @Tileenah has been kind enough to let me talk privately when the chips feel really down, so I gave her part of the Hive a short visit just to let out how not being able to run anymore still hurts. I wasn’t looking for answers. I just needed to know someone was there, which helped.

Later, I had my session with Coach Angela, who was able to uncover that I have trust issues both with people and with food. That lady sniffed out, correctly, that those issues are going in opposite directions. With people, trust is taking a long time to build and only a moment (literally) to break. With food, she uncovered why I feel fat a lot: Weight is easy to put on, but brutal hard to take off. This would explain all those restrictions.

The rest of that conversation is between me and her, please, but a lot was uncovered. She’s on holiday next week, so it will be two weeks before I can work with her again. She gave me plenty to work on, so the extra week will do more good than harm; I can compare notes with her later.

Song of the Day: Doobie Brothers — It Keeps You Runnin’
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
@CODawn Not in dispute (I haven’t and likely never will forgive one of the previous platforms I was on for letting their instructors dress in costumes without proper explanation; if you’re going to teach me a routine live I expect you to look the part). What’s happening is that people who could be potentially trustable aren’t being given a chance. My brother-in-law has been over for dinner three times now, and we’re basically acting afraid of each other despite the fact that he’s done nothing wrong. That’s the kind of stuff Coach Angela is trying to dig through.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 12, 2023

About 45 minutes of walking for work commute and to my parents’ across town. If Mother Nature allows, some yard work is on the docket tomorrow.

Notes

Overslept this morning. No problems getting to work on time but enough of a disruption to kill any realistic Vitality chance.

I honestly have nobody to blame but me. It’s been generally a bad week on a lot of fronts, and if I didn’t have my coaching session last night you would have been able to bet a healthy amount that the self-destruction was only going to continue.

I was also feeling snarky. I waited on a colleague early in my shift today, and told him it was a great for jousting. In shopping carts. With helmets. And pugel sticks. And as much padding as you want to wear.

The guy gave me a shock and said he liked the idea…but neither of us will dare go ahead with that. Having a sick mind and carrying the actions out are two different things, thank the stars.

I have a feeling I’ll be able to sleep through by default tonight. Feeling exhausted will do that.

Song of the Day: Kelly Clarkson — Dark Side
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 13, 2023

Vitality Day 7


20 march steps, 20 backwards leg raises (both sides), 20 side leg raises (both sides); 3 sets

Also 2 hours of yard work, mostly of weeding, trimming, and raking. Not a ton of walking but some bending involved even though I was using special grabbers that can cut as well as grab. My right side wasn’t happy when I stretched it out afterward.

Notes

So first, just to get this off my chest: I can’t bare to look at myself topless in the mirror anymore. I look like I’m getting fatter even if recent eating habits suggest the opposite should be happening.

That’s about the only bad today. The rest I’ll definitely take.

Mother Nature finally dealt me a good hand: Showers overnight ended early enough to finally get reasonably caught up with yard work after only a slight delay. As usual, I outlasted my parents by a mile through better pacing and a level of patience that my dad has admitted he doesn’t have (shame on him).

I needed to use a chair assist for the whole Vitality workout as my balance felt at best wonky, but this is my normal now…didn’t think much of it because it was still useful. Made sure my legs were recovered enough from the yard work before claiming my flag. It felt a lot better to claim the pair — yard work and a Darebee routine — for a change.

One of my fellow clerks is on holiday this week, so I’ll be taking on an extra couple of shifts. This should be manageable, especially if I can keep pulling rabbits out of the hat. :)

This week could be tricky near its end as my late sister’s birthday would have been this coming Saturday. I shouldn’t be saying this, but part of me doesn’t miss her in part because her self-care was atrocious and she paid full penalty for it (the only images I have of her are basically a beached whale). I will probably have to secretly lean on that whether I want to or not.

Observation: The next time I work with my life coach, it will be worth my time to talk about body image with her. Mine feels corrupted at best.

Song of the Day: Corey Hart — Never Surrender
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 14, 2023

Vitality Day 8


20 chest expansions, 10 alternating chest expansions, 10 arm circles (both directions); 3 sets

Also about 15 minutes of walking.

Notes

The workout was done in two parts. One set as a warmup before shift and the other two during my interval. They worked out pretty good and my manager guessed correctly that I was warming up for shift during the first set.

Said shift was okay, but it had its moments at the end. Several people are on holiday this week, and whoever was responsible for scheduling promptly screwed up and didn’t have anyone in charge after my immediate supervisor clocked out. The result was that I had to stay an extra hour plus, and if not for a quick-thinking colleague it would have been even longer.

Retail is retail and I don’t mind putting in extra time, but it’s not okay when there’s no CSR in charge. My higher-ups know I will not just walk off my line when I’m supposed to clock out; they have to clear me first. I’m going to get paid for the extra time because I legitimately worked it, but when my manager sees this, she’s not going to be pleased and the scheduler will likely get an earful or two. A formal complaint about the lack of supervisory CSRs was lodged by yours truly a couple of months ago. It looks like I might have to lodge it again.

So that was pretty annoying. I’ll take the workout clearance though!

Song of the Day: Ellie Goulding — This Love (Will Be Your Downfall)
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 15, 2023

Vitality Day 9


10 hip rotations, 10 single hip rotations, 5 forward bends, 10 side bends, 10 core twists; 3 sets

Also some walking in the rain that was good for about 15 minutes. Dank, dark, dreary day here.

Notes

I'm getting a little better at picking my spots. The last three routines have all come with different timings, and I'm still finding a way somehow. It might be the slow, difficult healing process finally getting into gear.

I've been using the Slumber app recently (it's run by the same team that provides the podcast Get Sleepy), and found a meditation with healing affirmations for sleep. These have been useful, and it didn't hurt that I found the speaker's voice soothing. Don't ask me why, but I have an easier time listening to female voices.

Today's routine had some moments. I lost my balance a couple of times on the hip rotations; good thing I had a chair right there to put a hand on if I needed to. A nurse practitioner that I saw last year (my regular doctor had been on holiday) wondered if perhaps part of my hip was paralyzed by the Pilates injury. It sounds odd, but I wouldn't be surprised: Before the Hive, my body basically fought back against every last attempt I've made to get stronger. No real attempt to confirm that has been made; it's better that I don't know on that one right now.

My apartment complex had its monthly birthday party today. It's coordinated by the building's resident services coordinator and logically it's a lot easier on her to celebrate all the month's birthdays at once. I could have gone if I wanted to, I suppose, but it would have done more harm than good. My level of trust with people and especially with food is in more of a state of distrust (Coach Angela knows this), and I don't get a chance to work through that with my coach on holiday this week. Going for a banana split -- and I knew those were being served from the signs posted in the building -- would have done nothing but trigger, and that would never have done. I settled for making a mental note about this so that when I can work with Coach Angela next week, we can explore that more.

I'd be in a better position if 1st Phorm had worked out, but I needed a level of private guidance that was more than the way their app is structured could offer. So small victories and baby step clues for now. Converting tomorrow's workout for my first 4-day streak would be a step in that direction.

Song of the Day: Ringo Starr -- It Don't Come Easy
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 16, 2023

Vitality Day 10


12 step jacks, 6 side jacks, 12 step jacks, 6 calf raises; 3 sets

Also about 15 minutes or so of walking.

Notes

Let's get the bad out of the way first: It was eight hours between any kind of food today. To give Coach Angela a better idea of what's driving the restrictions other than not being able to run anymore (a wound that is healing now thanks to the patient Internet ears of one @Tileenah), there isn't much available for options besides letting the demons have their moments and noticing clues as to the reasons why.

Today one came to light: I know my brother-in-law is coming over for dinner on Saturday, but he is adamant about celebrating his late wife's (my sister's) birthday which would have been, by coincidence, this Saturday. He plans to bring over an ice cream cake. I'd sooner get a hole in my head than eat a piece of that but will have no way out of it. I made a mental note that this needs to be explored further, because there's something there that Coach Angela and me are missing.

The good? Pretty much everything else. Little went wrong during my work shift, and I was able to track down the checkout department manager and bring my weekday availability back to where it was pre-injury, which in turn will help her find shifts for me as kids go back to school/college/university (insert one of those here). This could have been done a few months ago in hindsight, but Dumb David Tricks (@CODawn I'm sorry I stole one of your catch phrases).

Didn't need any modifications for the Darebee workout this time, which was also nice for a change. I was able to claim this before my work shift which was even better. I don't think I've ever had a 4-day streak before today. :)

It's going to come at a price because there is still a ton of healing to do and the restriction demons are going to have their way for a while yet, but if I can continue to snatch small victories on the workout front and uncover something once my coach gets back from holiday, that could potentially change...if slowly at first.

Song of the Day: Fleetwood Mac -- Don't Stop
 
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