I think it's kinda important to note sth, it's only a note about my personal "journey" but it seems relevant. Because of narcolepsy, and specifically how I probably got it when I was a kid (i.e. an auto-immune reaction, no way to know from/after what but we found an excess of antibodies, presumably against streptococcal tonsillitis but I actually didn't have the symptoms so who knows the origin, it's not really relevant lol), I've struggled most of my life with "overeating", binge eating, overnight eating (especially), and weight issues (though not obesity, I've been so-called "overweight" at times, though I'm honestly not a fan of this term...). I still do, but since one or two years ago things have changed significantly, partly because of some exercise but actually mainly because of a mental/mindset shift.
I've never had "extreme" levels of struggle/suffering with my self-esteem or specifically body image/perception (I empathize with folks who have had worst pain and suffering, it luckily never got "too bad" for me), but of course because of this constant eating problem it's been tough to feel healthy and good about my body shape/about how I look. Narcolepsy (and any form of insomnia/sleep or energy health issue) are known to provoke this because if fucks up the daily physiological and sleep/wake cycles/rythm, but in my case the auto-immune thing is even more relevant because it most likely also attacked the part of the brain that regulate appetite and js the same that takes care of circadian rythms and sleep cycles (and the hormones that we need to sleep, for instance), namely the hypothalamus (in fact I was lucky that we found out and could stop it before it continued, it could have done even worse damage obviously).
So, basically since I was a teen I've been trying to get fitter and stronger because a) I enjoy sports/exercise, b) I like improving my physical abilites, regardless of how I look and so on..., but for years I never managed to reach a "body shape" that I really felt good about. At some point I (rightly imo) started not caring much about body shape or belly fat and so on, what I wanted was to feel good physically, be healthy, strong, etc. That's probably why I never fell into massive body image/self esteem issues, because I was satisfied and felt good generally speaking.
But one thing never went away, and still remains, because as I said I've tried for almost a decade to fight it but it's partly physiological. It's the eating issues, to be precise the hardest is overnight (and more broadly this period: late evening-sleeping hours (for normal ppl lol)-early morning and breakfast) eating because for the most part the daily eating is okay, though it could be better (more greens, more balanced, less "comfort food"..).
A few years ago (I'm now almost 25yo), maybe one or two I don't really know, I started for the first time actually LIKING how I looked (body shape and evrth), but it didn't have a lot to do with aesthetics-based or weight loss/etc workouts... I think it probably played a part insofar as doing weightlifting for a while (first with the "Starting Strength" program maybe three or four years ago or more, then as some ppl might know from the old Hive log, I did deadlifts and squats at my new gym when I started using it about a year ago). But frankly, since I played a lot of football/soccer as a kid and early teen, I've been quite strong and relatively big in terms of lower body for most of my life, so it didn't stand out to me lol... So basically in the past few years (2 to 3 years, let's say) for the FIRST TIME in my life I'd look in the mirror and actually "identify" and enjoy how I looked. I'm not really tall (179.5cm or 5'10''), and for a while now (again timeline is not sth I remember, but at least 5-7 years) I've been in the 90's in kg/200's-210's in lbs (right now ~92kg/202lbs but it did went as high as 97/98 kg/216lb at some point).
But the thing is that the numbers really don't matter that much (ofc they always do in some way, but not for what I'm talking about here) since a) self-image/feelings (whether positive or negative) about one's own body is a psychological and sociocultural phenomenon, it's NOT about the actual bodyweight... b) although there are potential health issues after a certain threshold of gaining weight (esp. "obesity", then again I'm sure we could question and discuss some of the dehumanizing connotations that exist around this notion), one thing I wished was addressed A LOT MORE in fitness-oriented spaces is that health, welness, happiness aren't linearly tied to being thinner, slimmer, etc... What I mean is that clearly, it's far more complicated than the common belief/prejudice that "rounder/bigger/fatter people = automatically unhealthy, unattractive, unhappy, etc." (these are different things, but also interconnected) I'm not knowledgeable enough to go into specifics, I'm sure on one hand health risks/issues definitely increase when ppl reach certain ranges of weight, I suspect it's more specific than a general absolute law though (i.e. it depends on how balanced or unbalanced your eating is, if you're physically active, and then there's all the psychological and sociocultural stuff which is even more messy). But I also know how much rounder, bigger people are dehumanized in modern society (esp. in the West), esp. women and girls.
Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to me, this whole overnight (and general) eating issue is sth I've tried to "fix" for most of my life now, despite knowing it was tied to my physiology/"disease", I still felt really bad about it. And it's always the same, it goes up and down throughout the weeks and months. A couple of days without overnight eating, then a bunch it happens again, then I try again, and so on. It's been like this for years and I've kept again and again trying to "solve it" for good. But recently I've just come to peace with it, and honestly it's even simpler than that: it might look and feel unhealthy as a regular thing, but I've realized that for the most part, over the past 4-5 years I've always been healthy (it's probably also tied to be a young adult male, to be fair... I know we're unfairly advantaged in some ways compared to older folks and also women re: weight loss).
And in conclusion, the process of feeling good about my body - both functionally and aesthetically - has largely been a psychological and self-therapeutic thing for me. Realizing that I'm okay, that I'm not ugly, that I actually feel good about who I am and how I look, then in the past year I've only felt better and better as I started working out more again (after a break) but I don't think it's the muscle-building that's the most important. It's just a bonus!!
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