'rin
Member
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Why yes, I did fall off the gosh-darn planet. This is a lot of t/l/d/r. Plan at the end.
My life was in the process of re-sorting itself, and I had been participating in some pretty disordered behavior with regards to both food and exercise. The level of obsession and worry that I had over every single bite of everything was not at all ok, even if I wasn't starving myself. It doesn't matter if there are other people who work out more than I was an are perfectly healthy - I was literally sore every single day for 2+ years and had convinced myself that that was acceptable. I caused health issues trying to be healthy, not the least of which is lasting damage to my gut from the painkillers to deal with said soreness and the coffee to convince myself I wasn't hungry (and also to treat my ADHD, I actually see someone and get real meds for this, now).
BUT. None of the stupid shit I did reflects on this community, which is a pretty fucking awesome place. I still play boardgames with @Laura Rainbow Dragon and @sleep_twitch on the regular, and Instagram lets me know Notdlifei is alive and see what some other folks like @NancyTree are up to. I've had a long history of not properly caring for myself, and abusing this resource is not even close to the worst page in that book.
So, outside of trying to not to harm myself in the name of health, what have I been up to?
- Went back to school at 42, after after 20 years+ in retail, using a fellowship program to get out without loans this time. Got my MSed in Special Education, and took some extra math classes. Officially licensed Sped Math teacher.
- Got ADHD treated along the way so I got a 4.0 for the first time in my LIFE. Highschool GPA was 92 (missed an A by a point), Undergrad (without my dad forcing me to do homework) was a 2.9 - I had to write an extra essay to get into grad school about why the hell I thought I could do Masters level work with this travesty of a GPA.
- Had a whole fucking identity crisis when I had to get a real test test for ADHD - not just interview stuff - and was terrified I wouldn't meet criteria because I thought I had a "mild case". Doctor literally asked me "how is your entire life not on fire?" when she got my results.
-Had a further crisis and literally invited no one to my graduation, even forbade husband to come, because not being able to have my Dad - who always told me I should probably go back to school (he didn't know how badly I'd botched undergrad, I was too ashamed to tell him) - there because he had died meant I didn't want anyone there.
- Working on further math classes because some of the paperwork involved with sped stuff is going to wear me down, I can see that in 10 years I will be looking for an exit as much as I love this job... and I don't have any wish to be an admin... so I'm getting a gen-ed math licence to keep in my pocket for that eventuality. For example: There is a trend, now, at least in NYC to get rid of self contained classes in high school and go all ICT all the time. Does this serve many kids better? Absolutely, they are going to be mixed in with everyone else when they graduate, we need to prepare them. Does this serve ALL kids better? Absolutely not, but Universe (and budgets, it's about budgets) Forbid we keep one self contained class per core subject even - especially now that the state changed licensing reqs for sped teachers teaching self contained (can't with just a generalist license anymore, which is what 90% of us have).
- Finished 30 credits on top of my Masters bc I am a curious type, I want that other cert, AND NYC pays better once you have 30 credits on top of MS. (Sadly there is nothing higher after that, so the classes I am still taking now are for my own curiosity and further licensing.)
- I LOVE this job. Like all teachers I do not always see eye to eye with my administration... but I have great relationships with my coteachers and I love the kiddos. I even got a girl who used to skip school on math days or just cry if she forgot she had math and came anyway to stop dreading math class - she's not at grade level yet but it was never going to happen if she wasn't even in the room so at least now we can get started. Even when I have to stop the city-mandated slides about sexual harassment we had to do in advisory to give a formal definition of the word "Fuck" because someone was flipping off his friend who said "stop sexual harrassing me!" and did not understand that the middle finger meant something sexual... fun times. (The best part was 2 days later when some other teacher comes to me "Hey... so and so is now telling people to "sex off" and said you taught him that? I'll take it over his usual cussing but....what happened?") Even when absentmindedly tell a literal minded child "you need to ask questions when you're confused, when you just sit there smiling I can't read your mind and know you're lost. Seriously, I don't bite" and he stuck his hand IN MY MOUTH (I was too shocked to react quickly) to "check if you were lying".... I sent him to wash his hand and I went to get some water and my coteacher is still teasing me about that one.
But ya. Much like Diets Do Not Work (and really fuck with my head) but health promoting food behavior like eating more veggies and drinking more water are good for you regardless of your body size... New Year's Resolutions just seem to be a fancy way of making us all feel guilty when we don't perfectly adhere after a week or so. So instead, I am going to go for some .... Goal Promoting Behaviors! Goals are:
1) Keep learning things, looking back I have always been happiest when I am feeding my curiosity. And if I have an "Official Project" I am less likely to spend 20 hours I don't have googling and reading about whatever random shit caught my eye.
2) Make time for my own creative projects, and get them out into the universe even if they don't make me money in the end. It is way too easy to do print on demand and "Teachers Pay Teachers" and everything else these days for me to sit here not doing something with my time, energy, and ideas.
3) Get back to health promoting behaviors like eating my own cooking, getting more movement in, etc. What I did before wasn't healthy, but my current state of "potato with water retention, bitchy knees, and an angry gut" is also unhealthy.
A habit set I have a handle on that is heaping me with all of this is setting up both my outfits and my lunches for the work-week in advance. I batch cook something nice so that I don't need to think (or just eat my whole stash of granola bars I keep for kiddos, or spend money on grubhub) about lunches and have something healthy. I pre-pick my clothes so that I don't need to make that decision in the morning - the more decision free my mornings are the more likely I am to have energy to do my own shit after work instead of just being brainless.
My current set of behaviors I'm trying to incorporate are about getting what I actually DO in the morning more on point, since my weekend setup is about taking stuff off my morning plate I may as well put something onto it that isn't just zoning out over coffee.
1. Do my DuoLingo FIRST THING in the morning; enough of my kiddo's parents speak mostly Spanish that I need at least enough to politely tell them I'll call them back with a translator etc. I am already on a 16 day streak with this app, but making it a morning routine started today.
2. Do some sort of easy workout in the morning, more days than not. I went through and put links to something like 30 easy workouts from here in a folder on my homescreen, so there is not excuse, I can do something while my coffee is brewing - and make myself thirsty so that I get water in me before my first coffee which I'm sure my gut will like also. Today I did "Shoulder Work" and wtf, arm raises got hard? I need this.
My life was in the process of re-sorting itself, and I had been participating in some pretty disordered behavior with regards to both food and exercise. The level of obsession and worry that I had over every single bite of everything was not at all ok, even if I wasn't starving myself. It doesn't matter if there are other people who work out more than I was an are perfectly healthy - I was literally sore every single day for 2+ years and had convinced myself that that was acceptable. I caused health issues trying to be healthy, not the least of which is lasting damage to my gut from the painkillers to deal with said soreness and the coffee to convince myself I wasn't hungry (and also to treat my ADHD, I actually see someone and get real meds for this, now).
BUT. None of the stupid shit I did reflects on this community, which is a pretty fucking awesome place. I still play boardgames with @Laura Rainbow Dragon and @sleep_twitch on the regular, and Instagram lets me know Notdlifei is alive and see what some other folks like @NancyTree are up to. I've had a long history of not properly caring for myself, and abusing this resource is not even close to the worst page in that book.
So, outside of trying to not to harm myself in the name of health, what have I been up to?
- Went back to school at 42, after after 20 years+ in retail, using a fellowship program to get out without loans this time. Got my MSed in Special Education, and took some extra math classes. Officially licensed Sped Math teacher.
- Got ADHD treated along the way so I got a 4.0 for the first time in my LIFE. Highschool GPA was 92 (missed an A by a point), Undergrad (without my dad forcing me to do homework) was a 2.9 - I had to write an extra essay to get into grad school about why the hell I thought I could do Masters level work with this travesty of a GPA.
- Had a whole fucking identity crisis when I had to get a real test test for ADHD - not just interview stuff - and was terrified I wouldn't meet criteria because I thought I had a "mild case". Doctor literally asked me "how is your entire life not on fire?" when she got my results.
-Had a further crisis and literally invited no one to my graduation, even forbade husband to come, because not being able to have my Dad - who always told me I should probably go back to school (he didn't know how badly I'd botched undergrad, I was too ashamed to tell him) - there because he had died meant I didn't want anyone there.
- Working on further math classes because some of the paperwork involved with sped stuff is going to wear me down, I can see that in 10 years I will be looking for an exit as much as I love this job... and I don't have any wish to be an admin... so I'm getting a gen-ed math licence to keep in my pocket for that eventuality. For example: There is a trend, now, at least in NYC to get rid of self contained classes in high school and go all ICT all the time. Does this serve many kids better? Absolutely, they are going to be mixed in with everyone else when they graduate, we need to prepare them. Does this serve ALL kids better? Absolutely not, but Universe (and budgets, it's about budgets) Forbid we keep one self contained class per core subject even - especially now that the state changed licensing reqs for sped teachers teaching self contained (can't with just a generalist license anymore, which is what 90% of us have).
- Finished 30 credits on top of my Masters bc I am a curious type, I want that other cert, AND NYC pays better once you have 30 credits on top of MS. (Sadly there is nothing higher after that, so the classes I am still taking now are for my own curiosity and further licensing.)
- I LOVE this job. Like all teachers I do not always see eye to eye with my administration... but I have great relationships with my coteachers and I love the kiddos. I even got a girl who used to skip school on math days or just cry if she forgot she had math and came anyway to stop dreading math class - she's not at grade level yet but it was never going to happen if she wasn't even in the room so at least now we can get started. Even when I have to stop the city-mandated slides about sexual harassment we had to do in advisory to give a formal definition of the word "Fuck" because someone was flipping off his friend who said "stop sexual harrassing me!" and did not understand that the middle finger meant something sexual... fun times. (The best part was 2 days later when some other teacher comes to me "Hey... so and so is now telling people to "sex off" and said you taught him that? I'll take it over his usual cussing but....what happened?") Even when absentmindedly tell a literal minded child "you need to ask questions when you're confused, when you just sit there smiling I can't read your mind and know you're lost. Seriously, I don't bite" and he stuck his hand IN MY MOUTH (I was too shocked to react quickly) to "check if you were lying".... I sent him to wash his hand and I went to get some water and my coteacher is still teasing me about that one.
But ya. Much like Diets Do Not Work (and really fuck with my head) but health promoting food behavior like eating more veggies and drinking more water are good for you regardless of your body size... New Year's Resolutions just seem to be a fancy way of making us all feel guilty when we don't perfectly adhere after a week or so. So instead, I am going to go for some .... Goal Promoting Behaviors! Goals are:
1) Keep learning things, looking back I have always been happiest when I am feeding my curiosity. And if I have an "Official Project" I am less likely to spend 20 hours I don't have googling and reading about whatever random shit caught my eye.
2) Make time for my own creative projects, and get them out into the universe even if they don't make me money in the end. It is way too easy to do print on demand and "Teachers Pay Teachers" and everything else these days for me to sit here not doing something with my time, energy, and ideas.
3) Get back to health promoting behaviors like eating my own cooking, getting more movement in, etc. What I did before wasn't healthy, but my current state of "potato with water retention, bitchy knees, and an angry gut" is also unhealthy.
A habit set I have a handle on that is heaping me with all of this is setting up both my outfits and my lunches for the work-week in advance. I batch cook something nice so that I don't need to think (or just eat my whole stash of granola bars I keep for kiddos, or spend money on grubhub) about lunches and have something healthy. I pre-pick my clothes so that I don't need to make that decision in the morning - the more decision free my mornings are the more likely I am to have energy to do my own shit after work instead of just being brainless.
My current set of behaviors I'm trying to incorporate are about getting what I actually DO in the morning more on point, since my weekend setup is about taking stuff off my morning plate I may as well put something onto it that isn't just zoning out over coffee.
1. Do my DuoLingo FIRST THING in the morning; enough of my kiddo's parents speak mostly Spanish that I need at least enough to politely tell them I'll call them back with a translator etc. I am already on a 16 day streak with this app, but making it a morning routine started today.
2. Do some sort of easy workout in the morning, more days than not. I went through and put links to something like 30 easy workouts from here in a folder on my homescreen, so there is not excuse, I can do something while my coffee is brewing - and make myself thirsty so that I get water in me before my first coffee which I'm sure my gut will like also. Today I did "Shoulder Work" and wtf, arm raises got hard? I need this.
Posts: 976
I hope 2024 will bring you a lot of good things.
Hugs!
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