No rest for the wicked

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Hello everyone, I´m back. Again. Let´s see how long it´ll last this time.

4.7.23 Day 3

Baseline Day 3, 5 sets, 60 seconds rest inbetween.
Daily Excercise: Toe Taps. 40 done.

Horrible! Either I´m completely out of shape (which is definitely true, never been fatter, had higher blood pressure and I´m still messed up from Covid last summer) or those Toe Taps are pure evil. Probably also true.

3.7.23 Day 2

Baseline Day 2, 5 sets, 60 seconds rest
Daily Excercise: Calf Raises 30 seconds

2.7.23 Day 1

Baseline Day 1, 5 sets, 60 seconds rest
No Daily Excercise. Those Cossack Squats looked way too difficult

I´d promise not to let this threat escalate into a diary like on the old website, but we all know I probably won´t keep it this short and sweet, since this website is pretty much the only "human" contact I´ll get. Yeah, really not in a great place right now but what else is new?
 
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legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
Pronouns: He
Posts: 197
Thank you everyone who actually came here to welcome me back or leave a like. It is appreciated :)

5.7.23 Day 4

Baseline Day 4: 5 sets, 60 seconds rest
Daily Excercise: nope.

Bloody hell, that hurts. Not sure what exactly I did wrong, but I assume I pulled a muscle or something. My back hurts, right under the left shoulder. Wonderful! And of course this happened during the second set so I had to endure it for another three sets. I hate my body, why even have it if it´s unable to do the most basic movements? I´d swap all that fleshy goo for nice cybernetic upgrades at the drop of a hat...
No daily excercise today, because a) ouch, and more imporatantly b) there is no room! Those Reverse Angels need a lot of space and there simply is none.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
6.7.23 Day 5

Baseline Day 5: 5 sets, 60 seconds rest
Daily Excercise: Hell, no. I can´t even do a single Push-Up...

Urgh, today was not a good day. As usual :D University sucked (as usual, stupid project study regulations (instead of normal university lecutres we´re required to do these stupid projects. We´re given a title for the project and that´s basically it. Our current docent was no help at all which is why we wasted two months now knowing what exactly we were supposed to do. And now we have to cram those two months into the rest of the semester)), on the way home I wanted to buy some nice unhealthy fast food but apparently prices have changed drastically. Back in my day a kebab was 3,50€ now it´s 6 bloody euros! And so it´s rice with ketchup for dinner, again. Being a student is great...

Alright, I´m off to draw plans in a program I don´t understand until 3am cause I have a deadline tomorrow.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
7.7.23 Day 6

Baseline Day 6; 7 sets, 60 seconds rest
Daily Excercise: Arm Scissors 60 seconds: Done

I´m tired. Those plans took a bit longer than expected, so I slept from 5 to 7. Two hours are enough, right? :D
I figured I´d up the difficulty today, since I wasn´t nearly as beat after 5 sets as I was a week ago. Or maybe that´s because today was a pretty easy day, who knows? Even if Baseline turns out to be too easy a program for me, I won´t switch to a more difficult one. As someone with untreated ADHD I have enough problems with quitting things, so I will (hopefully) stick to this.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
11.7.23 Day 8 (?)

After a little involuntary timeout due to heatstroke, I´m back.

Baseline Day 8: 4 sets, 60 seconds rest

I´m still feeling pretty dizzy and those "sit to stand" are not making it any better. And it´s still horribly hot outside. And inside since I live under the roof and my windows look south...
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
12.7.23

Baseline Day 9: 5 sets, 60 seconds rest
Daily Excercise: 60 Side Bends done

Heh, those snowballs are funny. And wouldn´t last a second in here :D At least today is a slightly less hot day but of course tomorrow will be a hot one again... According to the forecast for the rest of the week it´ll remain like this. A hot and a slightly less hot day alternating, which is great because Thursday and Saturday are the days I have to be at uni, which is of course not airconditioned, this is Germany, why should be spend money for useless crap like modern schools or good healthcare?
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
In case somebody is wondering what happened to me, it´s pretty bad right now. I´ve been fighting depressions as long as I can remember and I don´t think it´s ever been this bad. Except of course the time I hung myself, but that´s neither here nor there. So I´ll probably be gone for a bit until I get myself stable. Or at least better than now.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Alright, so, I`m back. Kind of. I took some time off ( borrowed a buddys van, technically a decomissoned hearse, but that´s semantics) and drove off into the "wilderness". It tends to help me a bit when I´m out in nature, so I figured that´d be a good start. Picked the worst week for that, but hey, when did nearly flood-like rainfall ever harm anybody?
So all that time alone with the soothing sound of raindrops on a metallic roof got me thinking, when exactly did it get so bad? And the answer was surprisingly simple. The second I tried to change myself for the better. I quit smoking, I cut down my drinking considerably, I even tried tackling my nearly debilitating gaming addiction and my life turned into a complete sh*tshow. It seems I have two options now: either be a barely functioning addict or a nonfunctioning guy who´s basically one big catastrophy away from offing himself. So I thought of a third option. Therapy. All that cash I have to pay for medical insurance must be good for something, right? Nope. Every psychiatrist that´s even remotely in an acceptable distance is not taking any new patients right now, everyone is already at full capacity. And the local mental institution is pretty much a horryfying torture prison, according to four seperate former patients I´m personally acquanited to. God bless private investors. Who could´ve thought that running medical facilities for profit would completely wreck their quality? I´m on a dozen waitlists now, so at least that´s something. I think.

So where do I go from here? No friggin clue, probably business as usual. I´ll try to restart my workouts, because they´re good for your physical and mental health, I definitely won´t start smoking again, always hated the taste but started like so many other incredibly stupid people because it made me look cool. Right now I´ve got a week of uni stuff to catch up on and an online conference in two hours to prepare for. No rest for the wicked, right? But I´ll probably be back later with workout updates.

End diary entry :D
 

mavie

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from germany
Pronouns: she/her
Posts: 658
Hi legolo,
good luck for the search of a therapist. It takes time and patients. But there are other options you could consider meanwhile. You can always visit self-help groups, visit help-desks (Beratungsstellen, insbesondere Suchtberatung), talk to your family doctor (Hausarzt)…there is lots of help out there. All the best for you!
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
First of all, thank you everybody who remembered my birthday, it´s kinda sad that the only people who remember my birthday are people who I´ve never met in realspace, but, well, that´s life.

Today I actually went outside, for the first time in six weeks or so. Haven´t even seen the sun that long, since I keep my blinds closed all day. I´m so freaking pale, I´d probably give Ed Sheeran a run for his money as whitest guy alive :D

I´m fairly certain I´ve finally hit rock bottom, regarding my depression and overall health. I spend around 14 hours a day in my bed, I barely eat anymore (which is good, since I haven´t been grocery shopping for 6 weeks and my emergency supplies are nearly all eaten), the last bit of strength I had has withered away and I can barely go a few minutes without coughing my lungs out. At this point, I wouldn´t say I´m living anymore, I´m barely existing. Upside to it all though, no other way to go but up.

I took a long walk, although I´m pretty sure it looked more like a zombie shuffling around, luckily it was already getting dark outside. I´ll try to get outside at least once a day from now on, small steps. Maybe monday i´ll finally go shopping, I´m getting kinda sick of eating nothing but canned ravioli for the gazillionth time
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Okay, so I didn´t go out yesterday because of a storm, I don´t really have any clothes for rainy weather and don´t like to get wet. I did however go grocery shopping this morning, so I can at least eat something different than canned food this week. I´m planning to take my walk later today, as soon as the rain let´s up. Will update when done.

I finally figured out why it´s so difficult for me to keep working out. Last night I couldn´t sleep due to thinking about everything and I suddenly had a realization. I don´t have goals. Or dreams, or hopes, or literally anything regarding the future. I couldn´t care less about my health or body, I don´t give a rat´s backside if people think I´m attractive or not, working out is basically a chore. And I hate chores. I haven´t washed the windows of my flat ever :D
I´m not sure if it´s a leftover thinking pattern from when I was supposed to be dying of cancer or due to the depression, but I can´t, for the life of me, think of things for the future. You know that job interview question "Where do you see yourself in five years"? If anybody asked me my answer would probably be "Dead in a ditch somewhere".

Walk done.
 
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legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Alright, today is a really weird day. I feel like I have tons of energy, which doesn´t happen to me. I´m the most lethargic person I know :D So when I got up around noon, I actually tried doing a workout. Regulator, iirc. Didn´t go so well. Couldn´t even do one set because those Reverse Lunges were hell to my knees. Tried something easier and stopped almost immediately, this time because I simply didn´t have the space in my room. So I´ve been cleaning my flat for nearly 6 hours now and the results are simply astonishing. But I´m really sweaty now and feel really gross because apparently I didn´t vacuum in ages, so I´m gonna take a shower and if it´s still dry outside I´ll take my daily walk. Will update when done.

Walk done. Took a shorter route today, because it was getting dark and I really don´t need to get robbed and/or stabbed again. Been there, done that.
 
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legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Totally forgot to update today. But hey, better late than never.

Didn´t sleep much last night, my room may look like brand new, but it does feel kinda ... wrong. Not like home anymore.

Walk done. Had an interesting encounter with a guy I used to know, will write about that tomorrow. I´m really tired.
 

OJJJEM

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Mother of Dragons Posts: 567
Key to a clean messy bedroom: Always have a dumping pile on the floor by the bed that you clean daily... just that one spot you dump your pants and shoes, the rest of the floor can stay clean... When you make your bed, lay your favorite blanket across it, just let it be strewn across the foot of your bed... gives the room a real chaotic good feel... a few favorite books strewn about, maybe that ONE empty beer bottle on your desk that you never throw away... something that says, "I live here,"... It's clean, but has a slightly disheveled appearance... And the dresser... wanna be able to access it, but one or two things that are meant to be there, but not meant to be there, really helps the place feel more homey... I put my hairbrush and deodorant in a box on top of my dresser, along with a slew of papers that are long overdue for sorting and filing away... and if you're really feeling it, toss a pair of clean underwear in that general direction to be discovered at a later date. It really adds that something extra special... ah, and don't forget that plastic grocery bag on the doorknob for random bits of trash... lethargy + effort's ultimate baby.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
No walk yesterday because it was pouring the whole day.

Did my walk today, did not enjoy it, the weather is finally like it´s supposed to be in fall, windy, cold and wet. According to the weather guy it´s gonna be freezing temperatures soon. I love it. I love being outside when it´s windy and cold, because nobody else goes outside and I´m all alone. And if I get too cold, I always have a flask with the cheapest, most disgusting whisky you can find in my pocket. Currently some horrible german swill, usually we do decent booze, never could´ve imagined we´d suck so bad at making whisky :D
 

Brontus

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Ranger from Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 78
@legolo !! You're here! I've been hoping to see you back! When Darebee switched over to the new system, I was worried you were left on your own. I was away for a while too. Long enough to miss when the system switched over, and I missed the cutoff date to save all my stuff, so I started it over and it's been fine. I'm so glad to see you and I'm so glad you're still with us. Reading through your posts, I'm know some of how hard and tiring and aggravating and depressing it is to be fighting the battles you're fighting. I'm proud of you, bud. You're doing fantastic. Those realizations you're having? Those are awesome. The best thing ever. Keep on keeping on, man. I hope you can find a dream or a goal to work toward that ignites a passion in you. I look forward to reading more of your adventures.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
@Brontus Buddy! Damn, it´s good to see you! Your abscence has been noticed. I´ve been wondering where you´ve been.

So, it´s been a while. I kept doing my daily walks until a little involuntairy timeout due to a cold. Tried getting back into it after that, with fairly irregular results at best. Due to my current biorhythm I see about 3 hours of daylight a day, which sucks, big time. Even if I set an alarm I can´t get out of bed earlier. Or rather I get up, turn the alarm off and lay down again, because my flat is way too cold for human life. But since I´m not made of money I can´t turn the heat up, I´d never financially recover from that. Being a student is the best...

TLDR: still alive, wishing I wasn´t :D
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
I really need new gym shorts. The ones I have now are ancient. Pretty sure I bought them in 6th or 7th grade. So roughly 20 years ago. They used to be size M. Yet they still fit me, even though I wear XL now. Probably even XXL, I barely fit in my only pair of jeans anymore. Which is bad since I really have no cash to buy new clothes. Anyway, it´s already dark again, I still feel like crap and I´m currently browsing through my bookmarked workouts to see which one I´d still be able to complete without dying from exhaustion.

Nomad: 5 sets, 1 minute rest

Hah, I thought this was a lvl 1 workout. I could barely raise my feet during the last two sets. Shows how out of shape I am.
 

legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Yeah, I know I´m early today. After witnessing my legs abysmal performance yesterday I thought I´d give them a rest today and focus on my upper body. Ha! Wrong decision... But let´s be honest for a second, with my f*ed up body, excercising at all is a pain. Quite literally. My shoulders hurt so bad, I can hardly write this. But as long as I do nothing, it wont get better.

Tempered Steel: 3 sets, 60 seconds rest.

Consecutive days of excercise: 2

Boy, those W-extensions are evil. Only reason I finished the 3 sets is that in the first rest I switched my workout music. Never Surrender by Judas Priest on a loop. Rob Halford screaming at me was exactly what I needed :D

I´m off to figure out what´s for lunch today. And maybe after that I´ll talk a walk. Will update if done.

Update: Walk done
 
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legolo

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Mercenary from Germany
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Posts: 197
Again this early. I´m beat, today was a bit more exhausting than I thought.

Stopgap: 5 sets with EC

As usual anything that involves my shoulders is absolutely horrible, but since I´m always in pain anyway I thought I could push it a bit today. No pain, no gain, right?
 
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